QUESTION: I separated from my husband
5 months ago. We had been married nine years. He was a heavy drinker,
casual drug user, verbal and mental abuser, and very controlling.
Since then, my life started to take on a new direction and I've finally
started feeling good about myself. I have terrific friends and family
cheering me on.
About a week ago, he returned, asking for a
second chance, and promising/vowing he would change. I let him return
and I have seen the changes. The problem is that a lot of love has
been lost since about two years ago, and I don't feel for him like
I used to. I can tell he is trying very hard to make this work but
I can't make myself get closer physically or mentally like he expects
me to. I feel very unhappy. I don't know how to tell him and I don't
want to hurt his feelings since he's trying very hard. All I do is
watch his every move and wait for a slip-up from his part to send
him packing. I realize now I loved my semi-single life and even grew
closer to my daughter. Please give me a suggestion to make this easier
for both of us.
ANSWER: Ever heard of too little too
late? It is likely that you did not develop the strength to require
change in your marriage, until there was little left but resentment
and anger. Your move towards independence has fortified your belief
in yourself, and you are now painfully conscious of all that you gave
up by staying in an abusive marriage. Though you may still hold some
fondness for your spouse, you are vulnerable to feeling "used" and
trapped by guilt, rather than true desire.
It is not your job to make your husband's life easier
by over-compromising yourself. This was a problem in the past in your
marriage. Be careful that you do not make the same mistake twice!
Do not rush into recommitment. Instead, take time to consider your
choices and the feelings that are behind the decision of whether or
not you want to return to the relationship.
Marriage is a two way street and you may feel that
your husband's past abusive behavior has damaged your respect and
your desire to be with him. You may be right! Perhaps you are allowing
him to move back in with you too quickly. And by not having any avenue
for processing the negative feelings accumulated in the marriage you
may feel even more pressured and resentful about his return.
His changed behavior and your newfound independence
allows you room to feel the reservoir of past hurt. If you are to
successfully "take your husband back," the two of you will need to
process the anger and pain you have accumulated in nine years of marriage.
It is not enough for him to change. He must also hear your feelings,
not out of punishment but in order to digest the resentment that has
built up over the years. If this process creates the space for a renewed
relationship together, so be it. However, it is also possible that
the marriage is not recoverable for you. Take time to discover the
truth.
Consider the possibility that you may need help in
processing the past before you can consider whether or not you want
to include him as a major player in your future. Seek consultation
with a competent marriage counselor to facilitate this process if
you find you have enough energy to work on the marriage. If not, seek
individual counseling for your own recovery from this situation. Allow
psychological space to explore yourself and the meaning that the last
nine years has held for you.
It is your job to take care of yourself. Take time
to recover. You spent many years with your spouse before he saw "the
light". It is only fair that he give you time in return. Refrain from
making this important life decision out of guilt! You may find that
with time and healing you feel differently him. If so, a new foundation
will have to be built between the two of you. This may or may not
include marriage. Much depends on whether the positive feelings you
once had are dead, only buried.
Be honest with your husband and yourself. Taking care
of YOU is the first order of business. And the only chance for a possible
recovery of the marriage. After all, if you don't take care of yourself,
who will?
