QUESTION: After having had the pleasure
of gleaning some advice from your previous responses, I was wondering
if you could render an opinion for me personally.
I work full time, and I am extremely successful
at what I do. My husband works part time, and since I am fortunate
enough to have a great job, he stays home with our one-year-old son
and five-year-old daughter. It works out well. Our finances are in
satisfactory condition, and our children are absolutely wonderful
(I know it is because of the time he is able to spend with them and
the great job he does). Problem is, he is increasingly becoming depressed
with low self-esteem and in turn is beginning to lash out at the rest
of us. For instance, when I work late on occasion he is rude, verbally
abusive and shows underlying anger at the kids. Come to think of it,
any occasion that remotely plays on the strings of his esteem will
trigger the behavior. His only pleasure is going to the race track.
(He used to race horses.)
It does not matter what I say or do to make
him feel better about himself. Of course, I know I am ultimately not
the one who can do it. He has to find his self-esteem on his own.
He has tried (and been somewhat successful) at his own video business.
However, it always comes back to the horses. I've even suggested he
go back to racing them, but he declines. Additionally, any challenges
are stonewall barriers to him and he does not deal with life's little
(or big) arrows well at all. I'm constantly trying to boost him up.
What is a woman to do? I do love him, but my primary concern at this
point is our family health.
Any advice you can offer is appreciated.
ANSWER: You are right that the impetus
for change must come from your husband. Be careful about "saving"
him from his parental responsibilities. This could become a pattern
of co-dependency, which results in supporting his weaknesses instead
of his competency.
Patterns of over-responsibility lead to under-responsibility
in the other spouse. These relationship tendencies make a situation
ripe for the development of yet further under- and overfunctioning
so prevalent in alcoholism and other addictions. Is the race track
a semblance of the kind of escape from reality that could be defined
as addictive?
Ask your husband to seek professional counseling to
address his victimization. He may be suffering depression based upon
"learned helplessness." Perhaps he would be open to exploring the
ways that his parents modeled solving life problems. Did Mom or Dad
rail against the adversities that life threw their way? Did they offer
passive complaining with no positive suggestions? Or did complaints
yield to proactive steps to take action to secure greater fulfillment?
Did one parent overfunction while the other underfunctioned in either
of your childhoods?
Your husband is fortunate to have a wife who cares!
But his depression is causing him to lash out against those who love
him the most. While your sympathy has been well meaning, your husband
seems to have responded to it with a loss of self-respect. Consider
taking a harder line. Perhaps a "tough love" approach is in order.
Require change from your husband, and do not accept less.
Your children are learning the styles and patterns
that they witness in their family. Talk with your husband about the
kind of family patterns you want to pass down to your children and
grandchildren. And consider your own limitations before you jump in
to save him!
Change is needed! Do not avoid conflict. Making it
"easier" on him in response to his outbursts may reinforce your husband's
failures rather than challenge him to find the necessary answers.
