QUESTION: I have a very sensitive
eight-year-old daughter. She is the oldest of my two children. She
has mood swings, crying at the drop of a hat and sulking when she
feels lonely or pressured. We recently moved from Texas to Alaska
and this is the first time ever we have been away from our family.
She was very close with her grandparents and they played a very active
role in her life. I know she misses them dearly. How to I help build
her self-confidence so she is happier?
ANSWER: Your daughter is fortunate to have a mother who is
sensitive to her needs and willing to adjust her schedule to be available
to her during this time of transition. But do not mistake "being there
for her" as "making her happy". Your investment in her moods and smiling
behavior may not leave her much room for grieving her very close relationships
to her grandparents and the friends she left behind. Not to mention
the dramatic changes in weather, a new school and home environment
as well!
Your daughter is "opening up" to you by showing
her pain! "Crying at the drop of a hat" is an expression of the
emotional stress she is experiencing. This is no doubt largely due
to losing significant attachment figures (grandparents) in her life.
Do not pressure her to "smile". Instead, accept her grieving and
reflect her sadness to her. You may be feeling guilty yourself,
which may cause you to pressure her into "happy" behavior so as
to ease your own pain at moving her away from her grandparents.
And you may be ignoring your own sadness by "putting on a happy
face" yourself, which only leaves your daughter as the one "elected"
to express the sadness for the family!
Do not avoid her anger at you for this change,
or sidestep her sadness. If she is not able to express her feelings,
they may fester and develop into a more long-standing depression
that would further delay her adjustment in finding new friends and
activities in her new situation. Encourage your daughter to talk
about missing her grandparents. If she looks sad or cries, simply
reflect her feelings back to her so she knows you understand. Let
her know that you are grieving too, that she is not alone. Hold
her, stroke her hair and tell her "I know it makes you sad to not
be with grandma and grandpa". Help her write letters, draw pictures
or make a videotape of her surroundings for her grandparents. Send
them schoolwork if she would like so that she can stay in touch
with their love and does not mistake their absence for "forgetting"
her. Over time she will internalize their love and develop attachments
to new friends and situations. If she becomes angry, reflect her
anger as well as her loss..."You are really angry right now"...Realize
that she is struggling to adjust to her loss, and it is natural
for her to express anger and tears as she had no control over the
move and the unwelcome changes that were precipitated for her. It
is the most significant event that is happening in her life right
now and she cannot be happy about it!
Your daughter will be soothed by your acceptance
of her "negative" feelings. Expect her to be sad and fragile for
a period of time. She will in time be grateful that you see her
as she is and feel loved by the space you make for her frowns as
well as her smiles. And to do not underestimate the fact that your
new availability in her life may mean that your relationship is
also in flux! You may need a "getting acquainted" period if you
have shared much of the primary parenting with grandparents due
to work responsibilities in the past.
The affection and dependency she invested in her
grandparents will be gradually transferred to you. This is a beautiful
opportunity for mother-daughter sharing. Do not destroy the potential
for closeness by pressuring her to "put on a happy face" at a time
when sadness prevails. The heart of your intimacy will be determined
by your ability to forge a relationship with her that invites all
of her in, rather than only the smiling part!
