QUESTION: I can't have any kind of
a discussion with my husband without him blowing up and going into
a rage. Whether it is about money or raising the kids or whatever,
he feels I am blaming him for the problem and just gets mad. I'm not
talking just a bit upset here. I mean full-blown rage, and once he
gets started he builds and builds until he gets himself into a frenzy.
It has gotten so that I avoid even bringing up any subject that might
be controversial. The kids feel the same way and are almost afraid
to tell him anything about themselves for fear that he will turn on
them. You might get the picture that he is a monster, but he is really
a sweet guy who works his tail off for the family. He just has this
thing about being criticized for anything.
ANSWER: Your "sweet guy" needs his spouse
to effectively challenge his inability to accept criticism. If your
mate fails to develop his ability to receive feedback from his loved
ones, he will continue to lose intimacy with his children as well
as you. Close relationships require honesty and two-way communication,
both of which your mate is thwarting!
You have wonderful insight into his work ethics, and
you clearly love him. But it is important to your marital and family
health that you refuse to accept the rages. Let him know that you
continue to love him but that he rages are damaging his relationships.
Ask him to accept your help rather than push you away when he obviously
must need you the most!
It is possible that the roots of his behavior can
be traced to childhood. How did his parents solve problems in the
family? Did one of them get his or her way through "rages" or "tantrums"?
Was feedback accepted and positively given in his family, or did family
members manipulate one another with guilt and expectations for perfection?
Perhaps he is overreacting to feedback because of internalizing from
an overly critical parent when he was a child. If so, individual therapy
may help him release past resentments where they belong rather than
onto current relationships.
Your spouse may also be experiencing depression based
in part on his own unrealistic expectations for himself as a spouse
and father. But that is no excuse for his destructive behavior, which
will only lead to increasingly negative feelings about himself and
continue a downward spiral. His own capacity to soothe himself and
communicate his needs must improve if he is to be capable of listening
to others with less reactivity. The sooner he is able to contain his
rage and increase his ability to communicate his needs while considering
the needs of others, the better he will feel about himself. It may
be critical that his depression (low self-esteem) be treated so that
a positive reinforcement cycle can replace the self-destructive pattern
now in full tilt. Regardless, your spouse needs to replace rages with
new communication skills in order to carry through on discussions
instead of aborting them.
Don't let him "hog" the anger in the family. Search
your own background for role models that allowed dysfunction to exist
instead of standing up for healthy alternatives. Did your father or
mother abrogate their responsibilities to check each other's blind
spots? If so, you may be playing the role of the enabler to your spouse's
"rage-aholic" behavior. Explore how or whether your own parents worked
through their conflicts to solve problems. Books on marriage relationships,
such as "The Good Marriage" by Judith Wallerstein, may be useful.
Use "I" statements, such as "I feel angry and hurt
when you scream and yell to end an argument" and "I imagine that nothing
I feel matters to you." Perhaps he will see that getting his way in
the short run is at a high emotional cost to your relationship. Research
shows that couples divorce because of unresolved conflict, not because
spouses don't love each other. It is also true that when marriages
do not dissolve, affection diminishes over time when partners do not
feel "listened to" by their mates.
You are his partner, and it is your job to confront
your spouse about his blind spots. You have a responsibility to require
change not just for yourself and your marriage, but for the best interests
of your children. Your love for your mate also cries out for positive
action. Couples therapy could provide a safe framework to address
this problem if you are unable to make progress on your own.
Do not reward your husband's rages by giving in to
them! Instead, ask him to step up to the plate as an equal partner.
Let him know that his rages have become bigger than both of you and
you need his help to solve this problem together. Your inability to
have discussions and resolve conflict is quick becoming the "monster"
you allude to in your marriage. Ask him to be a part of the team to
defeat this monster rather than falling victim to his tyranny.
