QUESTION: What can a woman do to get
the attention of a tired work-aholic? My husband is always working
or asleep. I have tried everything but can not get his attention.
The few times we have had time together...out to dinner, he yawns
through the entire meal and doesn't say more than two or three words.
I know he is not having an affair because he is always at work when
lots of people are there, or at home asleep. He owns his own business
and says that is what it takes to stay afloat. I understand it from
a business point of view, but what about me? Any suggestions?
ANSWER: Although it may be true that
your husband is not having an affair with another woman, the reality
is that he is having an affair with his business. All of his energy
and vitality are focused on this area of his life, leaving little
to nothing left over for the marriage. No wonder you are upset!
Let your husband know that you need his EMOTIONAL
as well as physical presence. Ask him if there is anything you are
doing to push him away or other reasons for his emotional withdrawal
from the relationship. Let him know that you do love him but that
the marriage is not giving you the sustenance you need from a primary
relationship.
Being "married" means that you must depend on your
partner for certain things that you agree to not get from anyone else.
This includes sexual intimacy and a certain emotional connection that
is unique. Naturally, there is much room for defining what kind of
marriage you want and while it is true that it is unrealistic to depend
only on your partner for all your emotional needs, it is primarily
for reasons of emotional nurturance that people marry.
Perhaps your husband will appreciate your voice in
the marriage as similar to the role the canary played in warning coal
miners that the oxygen was getting too shallow to support life in
the mine shaft. But hopefully the marriage will not have to die before
he becomes proactive. Much of this may also depend on how you approach
him.
It is time to confront your husband with the fact
that marriage, like business, requires effort. If he does not wish
to be married, that is his prerogative. But if he wants to remain
married, he must come to terms with the responsibilities inherent
in a marriage. A relationship needs attention in order to stay alive.
Like any plant that you may have watered regularly for years, once
the watering stops, it will inevitably wither. And there does come
a time when the opportunity for revival is past and death is inevitable.
Ask your husband to turn his nvestment energy towards his relationship
before it is too late!
