QUESTION: Word of warning, I guess.
I am about 3 months pregnant, and usually home alone with my 6 yr.
old. My husband of 3 weeks sells insurance, and so does his father.
It seems that ever since we were married, we have no time together.
My husband says that his dad is just jealous because we are "together"
so he takes my husband all over the country. My husband says that
his dad has helped us out more than I know, I don't feel the same,
I have even told my husband I would rather have nothing, than to have
what we have and be alone. I need some suggestions on what I can do
to get my husband back!! Right now he is 2000 miles away, "working"
and was suppose to be home tomorrow! But called to inform me that
he won't be home until next weekend (hopefully) he said. Thank you.
ANSWER: Your marriage sounds like it
may have been precipitated by your pregnancy. If this was the case,
your "word of warning" is one for others to heed. You may indeed be
suffering the repercussions of putting the cart ahead of the horse.
It appears that you are in the midst of becoming new parents (while
developing a stepfamily with your six year old?) and establishing
your life together as a married couple?! You are collapsing three
major family transitions into one. No wonder you are feeling stressed.
Being newly married and pregnant increases your need
for your husband at a time when his insecurities about taking on the
role of husband and father may be making him more vulnerable to his
father's demands. It is time for you and your husband to sit down
and COMMUNICATE. Establishing a strong partnership between you and
a vision of what you want your marriage to be will set a foundation
for the future of your family. And while it is true that you may appreciate
your father-in-law's help, it is critical that you and your husband
take charge of decision-making together.
Let your husband know that you are not willing to
take a back seat to your father-in-law. Be clear that you are willing
to shoulder the responsibility with him, that he is not alone. But
that you need him to set limits with his father around your time as
a family. Support him to work out a schedule for business travel with
his father that is not based on assuaging his Dad's feelings. Pandering
to his father's jealousy will only set up a precedent for division
in your marriage.
Your father-in-law may also be experiencing stress
due to the enormous changes that have come about in the family so
quickly. Even so,your husband should not avoid taking charge of establishing
your boundaries as a newly married couple. Your marriage will have
little chance of surviving without your husband's active intervention
to make your relationship primary.
Tell your husband that he is married to you, not to
his father! Do not shy away from struggling with your husband to establish
your couplehood. And avoid falling into the rut of "complaining" ineffectively.
Simply require "talking time" with your husband to establish appropriate
boundaries, strengthen your relationship and define your shared vision
of the marriage. Read articles together on the Making Healthy Families
series such as "Becoming Parents" and "Traveling through the Family
Life Cycle" to stimulate productive discussion. Consider paying several
visits to a marriage counselor to get your marriage off on the right
track.
It is understandable that you are feeling lonely and
abandoned by your husband at this time. But you stepped into this
situation with your eyes open. The good news is that you are only
at the beginning of your journey together. It is your job to express
your beliefs about marriage. There are no short cuts to creating a
foundation based on communication and a strong couples' bond. And
establishing a shared vision of your marriage is a necessary step
on any couple's journey.
Precipitous decisions happen in life. But do not make
the mistake of retreating into the role of "victim" to your father-in-law.
You and your husband have both bit off quite a bit at once. Perhaps
it will just take some work to digest it all!
