QUESTION: As a stepparent, do
I have the same rights and responsibilities as the "biological" parent,
who I am married to? Can the other (never married) biological parent
legally tell me to never discipline their child? In a custody dispute
between the biological parents, do I have any rights?
ANSWER: Consult a lawyer for the pertinent
family law in your state. However, in general, stepparents do not
hold custody rights unless custody is taken away from a biological
parent and given by law to caretakers other than biological parents.
It is usually the case that a parent's natural rights continue whether
or not the parents have been married. Therefore, unless it is the
case that the biological father is actually deemed incompetent to
parent, (or voluntarily relinquishes his rights so that you may legally
adopt) you will fare better to approach this situation with greater
cooperation and less "going for the jugular."
Beware of the danger caused by blurring boundaries
between two separate households. Taking on a fight with the biological
father is not beneficial for at least two critical reasons: 1) there
is little likelihood you could ever "win" on legal grounds and 2)
more importantly, you contribute to strain, and a conflict of loyalty
for your stepchildren. You must make appropriate room for their biological
parent that does not invade the boundaries of your home. Reflect on
your own tendencies towards creating conflict instead of long-term
solutions which truly have their best interest at heart! It is your
wife's job, not yours to handle this situation appropriately.
Consider that a part of the solution to your difficulty
may lie in creating better boundaries between family situations. Do
not discuss parenting with the ex. And any discussion that needs to
occur about parenting between your wife and her ex can take place
with the help of a family court counselor, or other family therapy
mediator. The usual response to parenting differences by the court
tends towards support of separate rules in separate houses. Except,
of course, in cases of child abuse.
But rest assured that you do not have to account to
your wife's ex" for your behavior in your own home! (Unless, of course,
you were committing child abuse rather than exercising a different
parenting style.) What goes on in your home need not be controlled
by the biological parent living elsewhere. By creating stronger boundaries,
you will likely circumvent conflict. The biological father will not
be able to invade your privacy, once you stop responding to his "knock
at your door."
Suggest to your wife that she begin by setting boundaries
with her ex about what is discussible" between them. It is between
you and your wife to decide what the rules are in your home, including
discipline. She should make it clear that her ex is not invited into
this discussion. Remain neutral and avoid hostility. But do not engage
in discussion that is over the boundary to begin with! It is okay
for her to hear his concerns, if she wishes, but it is not incumbent
on her to feel compelled to continue to respond to them, once differences
are clearly acknowledged.
Maintaining clear boundaries includes staying out
of the middle of your wife's and her ex's negotiations. This is not
really your battle! Your place of power is by her side in the marriage.
This is where the two of you make decisions together about "house
rules. It is then her job to set boundaries with her ex that respect
the privacy and authority of your separate household. Do not make
the mistake of taking on her battles. If she needs help, she should
get outside professional consultation to help her establish these
boundaries with her ex.
Your wife should simply represent clearly that there
may be alot of things that the two of them do not see eye to eye on.
And parenting styles is one of them. She may start by saying something
like, "I appreciate your concerns. I do not always agree with your
parenting style, either. However, I believe it is best to respect
these differences. I decide what goes on when the children are with
me. And when you are in charge, you decide what rules they abide by.
I do not want to discuss this with you any further." In this way,
your wife refrains from including you in the discussion and sets clear
limits about separate household rules. For further discussion about
dealing with ex's and stepfamily development refer to John and Emily
Visher's book, "How to Win as a Stepfamily" and my article on "Making
Healthy Stepfamilies".
It is your wife who holds the parental authority,
as the biological parent. Your power is derived from the relationship
with her. You negotiate regarding the agreements in your marriage
and household (including parenting). But it is she who must clearly
establish what is negotiated between biological parents. The lines
of legal responsibility/power do in fact lie with your wife, and not
you! Though this may not feel fair to you, it is the case that your
place of power and "rights" rests only on your ability to successfully
negotiate with your wife. But the good news, is that this does not
seem to be a problem for the two of you!
Congratulations on a healthy marital relationship
as well as a wonderful connection with your stepchildren. Well placed
trust in a good relationship provides greater insurance for negotiating
your needs for happiness than any court of law could ever hope to
emulate!
