QUESTION: Although I was never
married to my children's father, we were together for seven years
and had two children. We split up five months ago. My new boyfriend
already wants to spend the night or move in with me but I concerned
about setting a bad example as far as living arrangements and relationships.
I also feel that my kids should be given more time to adjust to the
new situation. Is it too soon for my boyfriend to move in?
ANSWER: You are absolutely right to
want to go slowly into a new relationship with your children. It is
best to keep your new relationship separate from your children while
they are engrossed in sorting out the loss or changes in the role
their biological father plays in their lives. Asking your boyfriend
to wait and bide his time before forcing his appearance onto the children
in their intimate lives is prudent! Statistics show that half of all
remarriages end in divorce. Partly because children are expected to
move too quickly into a new stepfamily following the loss of their
first family situation.
Stay true to your instincts. Children need to mourn
the loss of one family dissolution, before being forced into another.
Precipitous timing will backfire. Your children's remarks are clear
evidence that their loyalty issues are being stimulated. And in your
case, if their father unwisely chooses not to see his children they
will feel reason to blame the new arrival, your boyfriend. It is too
early to ask them to even consider embracing a "replacement" and they
are telling you this in no uncertain terms. The fact that your boyfriend
is not heeding your concerns may mean that he is more involved in
his reflection of himself in your relationship than he is in really
caring for you and your children. Let's face it. If he is serious
enough to want to marry you, he needs to accept the fact that you
come with children who have needs of their own, including a father
they love and miss!
If you were involved with this man before your separation
from your children's father, the situation is even more explosive
than you imagine. If this was the case, you should consider individual
therapy before jumping from one relationship into another, as there
may be unfinished business from childhood loss (of your own) that
may cloud your ability to act in your own best interests. Regardless,
consider the fact that you are already having conflict with your new
lover, who does not seem to be able to put the needs of innocent children
before his own. What does this portend for your future as a couple?
The prediction for success in a second marriage hinges
on two related variables: a strong couples' bond and a positive relationship
between stepparent and stepchildren. Already, your boyfriend is off
to a bad start. Share the guidelines with your boyfriend and determine
from his response whether he is mature enough to handle the issues
of stepfamily development.
Though this may sound like I am being harsh with your
new love, it is important to remember that children become the innocent
victims of love gone awry. They have no choice in the break-up of
their family, which leaves them with a sense of vulnerability and
loss of control. They need time to process the enormous upheaval in
their present family before taking on new family members. Rushing
into a potential marriage relationship prematurely would create the
probability that they would experience not just one, but two failed
primary relationships in their childhoods. Honor their needs to move
slowly. Sort out the present dissolution and allow time to deal with
feelings before asking them to accommodate to further changes they
do not invite.
It is possible to have a uniquely rewarding and satisfying
marriage to a new partner. And for your children to develop a strong
love and attachment for a stepfather. But this adjustment takes time.
Read advice from other stepparents and heed their wisdom when they
say, "Take it slowly ... Do not push yourself or your values on your
stepchildren prematurely ... Accept what you cannot change ..."
Is it possible that your boyfriend is unable to accept
your history with another man? He is putting unrealistic pressure
on you and your children when he insists on his own needs, but is
blind to the obvious pain your children are undergoing.
You have just extricated yourself from a relationship
that you feel has not worked for you. Consider what your own issues
regarding commitment in your last relationship mean for your future.
For although you never married the father of your children, they will
experience it as if you did. It was the only family they knew. You
are doing the right thing to not back into this next relationship
in the same way. There are people to consider. And they are making
their voices known!
Marriage by itself does not insure commitment. But
marriage should be entered into by people who are committed to one
another! Establish yourself as a single mother. Take some time to
resolve your past relationship. There is much to consider and many
lives at stake. Date your boyfriend, set limits, and see how this
new relationship develops.
It is entirely possible that this new boyfriend is
a transitional relationship for you and not the next man-of-your-life!
