QUESTION: I'm afraid I may associate
money with love, caring and protection. My x-husband was very selfish
and would not share his money with me or our children. Now I'm in
a step-family situation where my present husband is wealthy and I
am not and he doesn't want to co-mingle savings and bank accounts
or talk about the allocation of money. I feel resentful that he wants
me to ask him for money for living expenses and purchases that I can't
afford on my own income. At 41 I feel it's inappropriate for me to
stoop to such a level giving him all the power to decide what and
when to purchase things for the home and children as if I have no
thoughts feelings or right to make independent decisions about money.
To add to the confusion, I am living with my
two children in his house that is under a land trust with his children
as beneficiaries. I have no financial stake in the house and resent
fixing it up or caring for it when I feel unprotected if he should
die because he x-wifes is a trustee on the trust and I believe she
will throw me and my children out of the house upon his death.
We are now faced with another dilemma because
I was just accepted into graduate school with a work assistantship
and will need to take classes two nights a week and work at school.
I already work 2 nights at my present job and my husband doesn't want
me to be gone 4 nights a week because I will be unable to fix dinner
for his eleven year old and be around to provide him with company.
My children are girls 18, and 15 and are self sufficient.
He says I can quit working because he earns
enough money to support us, but I have no access to this money and
don't want to ask for it. Plus I feel like if something happens to
him I need to be able to work and support my children like I have
always done and can't depend on being left financial secure if he
dies so I am afraid to quit my job. I don't want to be selfish and
hurt the family functioning or give him more responsibility than he
already has, but unless he is willing to provide me equal access to
money for functioning I don't see any other options for me but to
be gone 4 nights a week to work and go to school. I feel like my education
and work are the only security I have presently for myself and children
because financially I do not trust my husband to provide for us because
he refuses to blend.
Are my fears realistic or is my association
of money with love, protection and caring overshadowing my sensibilities?
ANSWER: Tell your husband that money
is not a dirty word! When a great disparity of wealth exists between
partners, discussion rather than avoidance in HOW this will be addressed
is critical to the success of the marriage. Negotiate an agreement
that is fair and mutually supportive. Marriage is about sharing. And
equal sharing in the power of decision-making is essential if you
are to feel loved and "taken care of" in this or any other primary
relationship. Without working out an agreement that ensures your own
as well as your children's security, you will experience yourself
as a "second-class citizen" which will divide instead of blend your
family relationships.
There is no reason for you to remain in the position
of a child in your marriage. You are contributing to blending the
responsibilities of parenthood by accepting care for your stepdaughter.
It is your husband's job to contribute to your children's security
as well. Membership in a family should entitle you to negotiate about
the available resources, which relate concretely to your feelings
of both love and protection. Many situations can be negotiated which
take into account the needs and rights of previous spousal relationships
and also value the needs of new family relationships. Talk with other
couples and families who have worked out satisfying agreements in
complex situations. The more complex your situation, the greater the
need for discussion.
Marriage represents the blending of two families,
including financial and emotional caretaking. It is disappointing
to you that your husband has not been proactive in his consideration
of your needs and the needs and protection of his stepchildren. It
is your job as a spouse to communicate your needs and your disappointment.
Bring to light his "blind spots" about your experience in the family.
Just as it is his responsibility to let you know if he feels or fears
being taken advantage of in the relationship for his money. Through
discussion, you have a chance to experience your partner's reality.
Equitable agreements are spawned through empathic connection, not
cut-off. But discussions must travel beyond feelings alone if you
are to reach a satisfying resolution to your problem.
The decision to marry one another should have ideally
included discussions about the allocation of resources. This is often
what prenuptial agreements are about. In your case the discussion
was avoided. Why? Your fears regarding your independence are real
and justified. Women have long been in the unfortunate role of entrapment
historically. Sole economic dependence on a male bread winner has
contributed to women's victimization in marriages in which power was
not balanced in the family. This seems to have been the case in both
of your marriages. Perhaps you are contributing to recreating situations
in marriage that repeat patterns of devaluation.
Cultural and childhood gender roles may have dictated
the decision-making that occurred in your marriage. Automatically,
our society assumes women to be the emotional caretakers in the family.
It is often true that women's work becomes invisible and taken for
granted (unpaid). The traditional male position of economic provider
has often afforded men greater deference in decision-making power
in the family. When gender roles are not balanced by conscious agreements
for fairness in a marriage, exploitation of women is often the result.
Do not assume a caretaker role in the family that does not include
equal power in making family decisions!
It is often difficult for women to shake feeling "guilty"
about expressing their needs. Your childhood role models may have
promoted female caretaking and deference to male entitlement based
on money-making in the family. What was the agreement regarding allocation
of resources between your mother and father? Did you feel that you
were valued as a child and were your needs met appropriately with
the resources available? Or were you left with feelings of neglect
and unimportance when it came to needs that related to money? Did
men and women value both the economic and nurturing contributions
to the family equally or was your father "in charge" of decision-making
about money because he made the money in the family?
Your attention to your educational and career development
should be supported by the marriage. Work out an agreement with your
husband that not only protects you and your children's welfare, but
supports your professional and personal growth, too. The purpose of
"family" is to support the growth and development of all of
its members. This includes you!
Intimacy and affection will be hampered in your couples'
relationship unless the imbalance of power is remedied. Emotional,
economic, professional and personal goals must be safe areas for discussion
and negotiation for your marriage to succeed.
Almost half of all remarriages end in divorce. And
the most common reason for marital dissolution is prolonged unresolved
conflict. Your husband's refusal to discuss the allocation of money
is stonewalling any possibility for resolution. Require that he discuss
this topic with you.
If necessary, seek marital counseling for support
towards addressing instead of avoiding conflict in your marriage.
Each day these issues remain unresolved is a step towards the potentiality
of divorce. Kindly invite your husband to be a part of the resolution
rather than another statistic!
