QUESTION: I need help quickly. I probably
have the hardest job of step-parenting then anybody. I am raising
a step daughter, 9, my daughters from previous marriage 14, and 11,
and have 3 children from this marriage, 10 months, 2 1/2 and 4. Also
my step childrens' mother has been deceased for almost 4 years.
I am having problems with the 9 year old because
she and I both are very jealous people. I try to do everything fairly
and evenly. My husband says sometimes I don't when he's the one who
treats her like she is a queen, sneaking her money on the side for
no reason He gets very moody when she goes to visit her aunt (her
mothers sister) though he never got along with his ex wife. He doesn't
get along with my 2 daughters too well. It's ok for him to yell and
punish my 2 year old but not OK for me to do it to his daughter. His
son is no problem and never was.
His mother and brother always treat these two
as something special. Which I feel is wrong. I could go on and on.
My ex husband is still in the picture with my 2 daughters which my
current husband doesn't like. It's not fair it they get something
from their father because his daughter doesn't. But she has everybody
else giving to her. He works the craziest hours in the world. But
raising all they kids and nobody to talk to about my problems is very
difficult.
I love all my children and my husband but need
some type of help. So if you can suggest a good book that may help
me deal with things the right way let me know. We have been together
almost 7 years and pulled our selves out of a big hole. We have a
beautiful home and the kids are not doing without. The only one doing
without is myself. Everyone else gets everything they need. My nine
month old is a handful himself. He never sleeps all night. He seems
like he is insecure. As long as I pick him up and nurse him back to
sleep he's ok. I'm lacking sleep therefore lacking patience. I am
doing the job of staying home with my kids, but need some air. It's
hard to take 3 little ones with you everywhere.
ANSWER: You are a human not a saint!
You cannot expect yourself to be the emotional caretaker to all. Nor
can you expect yourself to even be "fair" to everyone. This is not
your job. You did not cause the heartache that untimely death has
wrought nor will your dealing with things in the "right way" answer
the pain and sorrow that others must endure and work through as part
of their life path. You cannot make up for the losses caused by ill
fate. Over-responsibility breeds under-responsibility and vice versa.
Who assigned you the role of "savior"? What might be your reasons
for accepting it? Are there patterns of over- responsibility and under-
responsibility in your childhood? Were women expected to be overly
responsible for the emotional health and well-being of family members,
while men assumed less than their share of emotional caretaking?
Obviously, both you and your husband have strength
together and have been able to "pull yourselves out of a hole". You
may be very healing to one another, but you cannot rescue the whole
family from the grief of your husband's first wife, the mother of
your stepchildren.
It is easy enough to be a "target" for negative feelings
in the role of stepmother. By taking on the job of making everyone
happy (society's conditioned role for "mother") you will end up failing
miserably and feeling inadequate. And your well-meant efforts to reduce
suffering in others, may end up thwarting their opportunity for growth.
Maturity comes from facing pain, not running away from it.
Talk with your husband about the toll that this previous
loss is taking on you. The ghost of his first wife is shadowing the
family. Without naming it, there is little opportunity for resolution.
Your stepdaughter's jealousies may be due to her unexpressed feelings
about her lost mother, which she may need to come to terms with in
some way. Your idea that her pain has to do with your jealousies may
be overstated.
More importantly, your husband's moodiness following
his children's' visits to their maternal Aunt may indeed be stirring
up feelings that are not being addressed. Your spouse seems to be
exhibiting guilt related to his wife's death and the effect on the
children. He cannot make it up to them by changing the resources your
children receive from their father. It is not your ex-spouse's job
to make up for this loss, nor should your children be deprived of
the relationship they have with their own father because of it. Sensitivity
and compassion are required, but this can only happen if the family
recognizes the loss that your husband and his children have endured
through sharing feelings and talking about the pain. At no time, however
should your children be expected to "make up" for the absence of their
step-siblings mother. Room for grieving should be observed, however
major responsibility for working through this grief needs to be shouldered
by their father.
The children that have been born out of the union
of yourself and your current husband represent a blending of the two
families. However you cannot ignore the separate histories of each
of the families that has come before! To do so will encourage the
myth of "instant love" prevalent in stepfamilies which leads to inevitable
heartache and disillusion. Reality explodes fantasy. Even if the fantasy
is based on good intentions.
Despite the popularity of the '80's hit show "The
Brady Bunch" , there is no "instant love" or "instant family". Stepfamilies
must progress through their own histories in order to blend together.
Ask your husband to go to individual counseling regarding his feelings
of loss from his first marriage. Addressing his guilt, pain and ambivalence
about the marriage before and after his wife's death are critical
pieces to the puzzle. You may also want to do some marital counseling
after he has faced some of these issues on his own. At this
point, a realistic approach to blending the stepfamily with all of
the diverse needs of its' individual members and sub- systems can
be discussed.
In the meantime, take a step back! Talk with your
husband to establish setting boundaries around your children and their
relationship to their own father. It is your job to protect them from
feeling guilt over their connection to their biological father. It
is not their fault that their father lives, while their step-siblings'
mother has passed away. Stop expecting yourself to make up for others'
losses in the family. Instead, support your husband to initiate helping
his own children grieve their mother. It is his job to separate out
his ambivalence regarding his first marriage from his children's need
to know who she was and how she loved them. They must find a place
and a way to honor their history with her, without disrupting the
very family relationships they must now depend upon.
Take your feelings seriously regarding your instincts
and views because it is not fair to you to do otherwise! Claim your
voice in the family. Your role as a wife is to influence your husband
when you see things he does not. Require that he work with himself
in sorting through his feelings and taking initiative for helping
his children grieve their mother. Then the two of you can work towards
a more realistic balance of addressing the needs of all family members,
based on personal history and individuality. Read books on stepfamilies
together, not alone! It is imperative that this education be a joint
endeavor to succeed. Emily and John Vischer's book, "How to Win as
a Stepfamily" as well as my article "Making Healthy Stepfamilies"
can give the two of you a jump start at together working out
how to answer the complex task of meeting the emotional needs of all
family members.
And last but by no means least, include yourself!
You are a person with needs of your own beyond caretaking. What are
you doing to soothe and nurture yourself? It is not fair to ignore
your need to explore personal interests or recharge your batteries
in the very difficult role of mother and stepmother. Getting childcare
so that you can have some personal time is important to your mental
and physical well-being.
Do not martyr yourself, as you will only be resented
for doing so! All of the children will benefit from the role model
of a mother who takes her own needs seriously. Drowning yourself in
an effort to save others runs the risk of passing sainthood on to
your daughters. And unrealistic visions of women as saviors on to
your sons. Take care of yourself, expect more from your husband, and
your future daughter-in-laws will thank you!
