QUESTION: My husband and I have been
married for six years. I have two daughters from my previous marriage.
My oldest is a teenager and my youngest is ten. When they talk back
their stepfather gets defensive and I wind up getting caught in the
middle. He seems critical and harsh in the way he communicates, but
I know that deep down he only wants what is best for them. How can
I help resolve these differences and bring peace to my family?
ANSWER: The good news is that your marriage
appears strong and you believe your husband has his stepchildren's
best interests at heart. But in six years of marriage, you have not
resolved your parenting conflict. Take this opportunity to become
a stronger parenting team.
It is likely that your daughters are getting different
messages about what is expected because you and your spouse disagree.
This exacerbates the problem. By remaining in the middle, conflict
may have been temporarily avoided, but not resolved. Step out of the
peacemaker position and work through your marital conflict. It is
your job as parents to discuss the parameters of behavior that are
acceptable in the family and come up with consequences you can both
stand behind when children cross the limits.
Let your spouse know that you feel he is overly critical.
What do you envision to be the best way for him to discipline? How
do you want him to communicate in tense situations with his stepchildren?
Does he have alternatives to his present behavior that you are comfortable
with and will you back him up in the delivery of consequences?
If your spouse is indeed overly harsh, your teen and
preteen will no doubt challenge him. This is, after all, the nature
of adolescence. And adolescence will, indeed, stress the weak points
of any marriage. But be willing to take a step back and look at your
own behavior too. Do your children really need your protection? Or
would your energy be better spent establishing appropriate guidelines
for discipline and communication in the family, which you and your
partner can agree to enforce together?
Communication patterns that are destructive may be
easily changed in good times, but realistically, conflict brings out
old habits. Have a discussion with your spouse about how you want
to handle conflict in your family. Establish guidelines you both agree
to follow. Do not accept childish behavior from your spouse. But be
willing to support agreements you both make as parents. Back your
husband up when your children get out of line with these agreements
and require your husband to back you up regarding the communication
guidelines you create together.
Women are often raised to be the emotional caretakers
for family relationships. Stepfamilies can be the perfect set up for
getting caught in the middle, instead of forging a successful parenting
team.
It appears that you have been the common denominator
in the family equation. This position is not only wearing you down,
but blocking others from successfully resolving their own problems.
Work now to resolve conflict in your relationship so that your marriage
becomes strengthened rather than stressed!
