QUESTION: I'm trying to get myself
to love my stepchild. It's very hard for me. I don't know why. Now
we are having a child together and I wish I could also love my partner's
child. We end up fighting over this issue about the kids and take
sides. Please help me.
ANSWER: The pressure to develop love
"instantly" is a common stressor in remarriages that involve children.
Unrealistic expectations to fulfill the loss of the former "intact"
family haunts and can damage chances for the new marriage to succeed.
Love takes time to develop. You have not experienced
the effects of living and caring for this child as your spouse has.
Your attachment must grow naturally and without undue pressure if
you are to experience the affection for your stepchild that you desire.
The good news is that you are honest with yourself
and you desire to "love" this child. Let your husband know that you
are open to your relationship with your stepchild developing over
time, but stop short of "saving" him from looking at his own desire
to "replace" the family unit he lost.
Healthy stepfamily development includes mourning for
past loss and resolving guilt over the marital "break-up" of the family.
It is possible that your husband is seeking a short cut to resolving
his pain by placing pressure on you to "make up" for his loss or to
resolve his own guilt. It is also likely that your acculturation as
a woman contributes to the feeling that it is your job to step in
to fill the emotional needs of all family members. It is not your
job to "mother" this child. No doubt your stepchild already has a
mother. Start by becoming a friend with limited adult care-taking
responsibilities. As your relationship with your stepchild strengthens,
you may gradually increase your role to include more responsibility.
Protect your relationship. The best predictors for
stepfamily development are a strong couples' relationship and a positive
stepparent-stepchild relationship. An attempt to force love will likely
only lead to resentment and a negative relationship with your stepchild,
as well as spousal discord.
A positive relationship within the realistic realms
of your feelings towards your stepchild will offer the opportunity
for the development of attachment and perhaps eventually, real and
deep love. This is particularly possible as a result of having your
own child, as these two half-siblings bond to each other. You may
find that your attachment to your stepchild grows naturally as you
see your little one attaching to his of her older sibling.
Make room for grieving and loving. Freedom of emotional
expression is key to the potential for true love to develop in family
relationships. A forced approach will only lend itself towards tensions
that disrupt rather than cement your new family bonds. Keep in mind
the saying made popular in the '70's: You cannot push a river, it
flows by itself!
