QUESTION: I've been married to a wonderful
man for five years and we each have 10-year-old sons from previous
marriages. We also have a three-year-old and a seven-month-old together.
My husband's son frightens me. At first, I thought his outbursts were
his way of expressing his disapproval of our marriage. I believed
that with time and love he would accept me and we would begin to function
normally, but things have gotten totally out of control. He threatened
a babysitter with a steak knife, he has beaten my 10-year-old repeatedly,
and constantly makes threats. My husband doesn't understand my fear
and sees his son as a poor, misunderstood child. I don't want to see
my marriage break up, but I don't see an end to the violence. I can't
go on like this.
ANSWER: You are not asking your husband
to choose between his son and his wife. You are part of the parental
team. You are asking your husband to respond to his parental duties
to get his son professional help. His refusal to do so is putting
family members (and others!) in jeopardy.
Over half of remarriages end in divorce. The success
of a stepfamily rests largely on two factors: the strength of your
couples' bond and the quality of the relationship between stepparent
and stepchild. You are experiencing great difficulty in both areas.
Get yourselves to a marriage counselor posthaste if you want to avoid
a family break-up. Your marriage is threatened because you do not
have a voice! Child rearing decisions must be made jointly if you
are to experience a secure place in this stepfamily.
Your stepson no doubt has reason for his anger, but
it is likely that it is his father's guilt that is at the root of
his being "misunderstood". Perhaps family members blame your husband
for divorcing his first wife. It is possible that your husband has
unresolved guilt about the "break-up" with his son's mother. Instead
of dealing with his own feelings of guilt and helping his son deal
constructively with his emotional loss, your husband may be empowering
his son to take his feelings out on others. Unresolved hurt and entitlement
to physically rage on others is a set-up for criminal behavior. This
situation is not good for you, the other children, or your stepson!
He definitely needs help rather than excuses for his violent behavior.
It is likely that emotional residue from the aftermath
of the divorce and remarriage has been ignored. Your husband appears
to be blinded to the manner in which he has empowered his son's destructive
actions. You are right to be concerned, as it is possible that you
are the object of such anger and therefore the "scapegoat" for all
of the unresolved negative feelings in the family.
Your sense of endangerment is enough to justify your
demand that action be taken to make your home a safe place. It is
the responsibility of either parent to remove children from a violent
situation and take action to prevent potential harm. Failing to remove
your children from danger may constitute parental neglect, for which
both you and your husband may be legally culpable.
You have an obligation to protect and ensure the safety
of all of your children in their own home. Take yourself to a counselor
if your husband refuses to go. Report what is going on in the family
and seek professional guidance to effectively stop the violence before
someone gets badly hurt. Do not feel guilty for addressing this situation,
when in fact you are guilty if you do not!
