QUESTION: I have been divorced for
a year and am planning on getting remarried within the next eight
months. My children love their new father very much, but our problem
is that we will have to move to another state with this marriage.
The children want to move, but their natural father has said that
he is going to fight this action. I am prepared to battle that out
if necessary.
How can I best handle this situation with my
son and daughter (12 and 9 years old) so that they survive this in
the best possible manner? What can I tell them and how do I help them
deal with their emotions? They love their real father and I would
never take that away from them but this move can't be helped and the
children would, at least for now, be better off in a family unit.
I realize that my son will be ready to move back with his natural
father in the coming years. I feel like I am stuck here. I know this
is best for the children but this is a really hard move for all of
us! How can I make this easier on them?
ANSWER: Whoa!! Slow down. On what grounds
do you believe that this move is best for your children? Or that it
"can't be helped"? Choosing motherhood commits you to looking at this
situation more honestly. You cannot instantly give your children another
father. This is your fantasy, but not a reality! Did you know that
more than half of all remarriages end in divorce because of insufficient
understanding of the significant conflicts involved in stepfamily
formation??? Your short-sighted decision-making is not only self-centered,
but self-destructive!
There is no such thing as "instant family". Though
your children may get along well with your new boyfriend now, it is
only a honeymoon phase. You are suggesting catapulting them into (at
least) three major life transitions at once! You are likely to be
deluding yourself if you believe that this kind of move following
a divorce is in the best interests of your children in the first place.
And you are on a certain path to blowing-up your new stepfamily, assuming
you even have a legal leg to make this move!
If you and your ex have joint custody it is not likely
that the court will see it your way. Barring significant abuse that
would disqualify your children's father of his parental rights, it
is usually the case that removing your children from a parent's locale
and taking them away from their community is not perceived as "in
their best interests". If you consider the changes involved, you will
no doubt see the reason for this perspective.
Your children have just come through a major upheaval
and loss of their family unit. Adjustment to this change alone usually
requires about two years for stabilization to occur. Mourning the
loss of the intact family and adjusting to separate relationships
with each parent is a plateful! Requiring that they make a geographic
move that will not only reduce contact with their father at a vulnerable
and unstable time, but cut them off from the supportive relationships
of friends and familiar surroundings, while simultaneously plunging
them into a "new family" situation is courtship with disaster!
You are not looking at this situation realistically
or from your children's perspective. You are clearly putting your
own wishes first and creating a fantasy picture to match your desires.
This is not only being blind to your own children's needs but to your
long term happiness as well!
As a parent, you are a leader in the family. It is
your job to consider the future impact of your decision to remarry
and move to another state on your children. Research the impact of
divorce on children and what their needs are for adjustment to this
traumatic event in their lives. Then, research the development of
a successful stepfamily. You have already had one failed marriage.
Take responsibility for educating yourself to the
task at hand. Remember, you are choosing to remarry. Choice includes
responsibility. Your children do not have this choice. It is your
responsibility to create an environment that works for everyone. You
owe it to your children and to yourself. Without looking before you
leap, you could very easily end up creating another scenario of suffering,
leaving your children with a legacy of pain and little model for successfully
coping with partnership and marriage.
Children can recover from divorce and thrive and they
can experience a "good divorce". But this takes effort and commitment
to their needs. Your decision to divorce may also require sacrifice
from you in order to help them regain their security. It is likely
that you are grasping at remarriage as an instant answer to your own
insecurity and pain at this time. Seek your own counseling about resolving
rather than "running away" from this situation. It is likely that
you are avoiding deep pain of your own, which is making it difficult
to see clearly for your own children's future.
Your children have been through one divorce. Statistics
predict that it is already more than likely that they will endure
yet another family break-up. Educate yourself to the pitfalls in your
plan and what makes a stepfamily work, before you jump from the frying
pan into the fire, taking them with you!
There is no "instant love" between stepchildren and
stepparents. Over half of remarriages fail, in part because of highly
idealized visions of becoming "one big happy family." Television shows
like the "Brady Bunch" only helped proliferate these destructive myths.
The lack of education about stepfamily development is largely responsible
for unresolved tensions and failures in remarriages.
The other reason remarriage can fail is because unsuccessful
ways of coping with conflict continue in the new marriage. Inability
to resolve conflict results in fractured relationships. Your willingness
to believe that your children "love" this new husband- to- be as a
"father" and they would be better off in a "family unit" suggests
that you are not dealing with the mourning and readjustment necessary
after divorce, but attempting to solve the problem by "running away"
from it. This coping style does not bode well for your future relationship.
Reconsider your move! Slow things down a bit. You
can maintain your relationship with your boyfriend without rushing
marriage. Let him know that you are a "package deal" which means that
he may have to bide time, consider relocation or relate from a distance
until things have settled and your future with him is clear. As a
future "stepparent" it is his job to consider your children's needs
as well as his own. This is a part of the real picture!
