QUESTION: I am 38 years old and have
four children, ages 12 to 21. They are all still at home. My boyfriend
is 57 and both of his daughters live on their own. He is very concerned
about raising children again at his age and worried that he might
disappoint me. Do you think it is wise to seek family counseling before
marriage?
ANSWER: You and your boyfriend are off
to a good start through such honest and open communication! His concerns
are valid and need your in-depth consideration. At age 57, your boyfriend
may feel reticent to return to the demands of teenagers. You are almost
a generation apart! These are different places on the life cycle,
which may mean that you have very different needs. He may also have
specific experience in his first marriage that may impact his anxiety
about balancing the couples' relationship with the role of stepfather/parent.
Counseling would be an excellent opportunity to explore what expectations
each of you would bring to remarriage. And, in fact, whether remarriage
is the right option for the two of you.
Because 50 percent of remarriages do end in divorce,
it is wise to examine what becoming a stepfamily would feel like to
everyone involved. All of you have suffered through the loss of a
previous family unit. There needs to be a place for mourning these
losses. Counseling may help you get in touch with the past which inevitably
comes up for review. Stepping into a stepparent role may cause conflict
if there are unrealistic expectations. Some of the common myths that
haunt stepfamilies include the myth of "instant family" and "instant
love."
Stepfamily formation takes time, and stepparents are
often set up to disappoint their partners when expected to take on
the role of an authority or discipline figure, rather than accept
a friendship role. Over time, young children can develop a strong
parental quality relationship with a stepparent, however teenagers
are less likely to accept your boyfriend as a parental figure. "Take
it slow" is the recommendation of experienced stepparents who have
found that forging a friendship is the first order of business with
their stepchildren.
Keep in mind that the strongest predictor for stepfamily
success is the quality of the relationship that exists and develops
between stepparent and stepchildren. The next strongest predictor
is the quality of the couples' bond.
Keep in mind that in the case of your boyfriend, age
may mean wisdom! His extra 19 years of living may have offered him
insight into the pitfalls ahead. Perhaps he is specializing in feeling
the anxiety of the situation at this time, and you are focused on
the positive possibilities. It may be the case that talking together
in and out of counseling will bring you to the understanding of each
other's needs that will make it work!
