QUESTION: My seven year old
son is having problems sleeping in his own room. We have moved to
a new house and he screams and cries every night when we try to put
him to bed. He only feels comfortable in our bed or on the floor of
our bedroom. My husband and I are at our wits end. What should we
do?
ANSWER: Your son is likely experiencing
stress, related to the transition of your recent move. Children often
become very attached to the places and things of their surroundings,
particularly if they have been in one location for their whole lives.
While moving can hold much excitement for us as parents if we are
transitioning to a more desirable place, it often contains loss for
children that goes unrecognized. And it can be difficult to attend
to the unique needs of each child during a period when your energies
are focused on re-establishing your new residence.
Your "son's room" has literally disappeared on
him! It may take some adjustment to make this new room his own.
It is not too late to consider a transitional ritual that might
help ease your son's anxieties. If possible, consider visiting his
old home, or look at pictures of his previous room. Ask him what
he liked about it and what he misses. If the move caused a change
in his school, teacher or friends, acknowledge these changes. Make
room for your son's tears or anger if these reactions arise. Simply
reflect his feelings. Be careful not to try to talk him out of any
of the feelings he reveals to you. Once his "negative" feelings
are expressed, he will be more available for attachment to his new
surroundings.
It is natural for children to feel angry about
being uprooted without any sense of control over their situation.
And rituals can help your child adapt. One mother staged a moving
ritual for her three children by taking a family "field trip" through
the old home (in its empty state), saying "good bye" to it, the
yard and the old neighborhood. Later, when they moved into their
new residence, she involved her children in setting up their bedrooms
and they walked through the new house with a burning piece of sage
to symbolically "clean the space of old energy and welcome their
new family." The Mom felt that the new house ritual helped them
to claim the new space and make it their own. This particular mother
was aware of the attachment she and her family had to their old
place, and sensitive to the fact that the new house did not yet
feel like home.
Identify the changes that the move has precipitated
for your son. Use your own instincts and creativity as your guide
for acknowledging these changes and helping your son adapt to his
new situation. Refer to Rachel Biale's book "We are Moving" (Tricycle
Press, Berkeley) for further ideas and discussion about the stresses
of moving on a child. It is likely that his feelings are presenting
themselves towards the nighttime because they have been suppressed
during the day. His need to sleep close to you may be his way of
feeling safe enough to let go and fall asleep. Let your son know
that you believe his difficulty is natural and due to the new changes
he is experiencing, and that you are certain he will adjust with
time.
Continue to develop a bedtime ritual in his room,
reading him stories and tucking him in with his favorite stuffed
animals or toys. Some transitional object that makes him feel his
connection to you and your availability to him at night could also
help. A toy phone that represents communication or ways to call
for you if he needs you might give him the psychological link to
you that he needs to feel increased security in the night.
If your son continues to show stress beyond two
or three months following the move, consult a child therapist for
more support and guidance.
