QUESTION: I am in need of advice on
how to tell my son about his real father. My son is 3 and-a-half years
old and I left my ex-husband with him when he was only five months
old. I met a man about three months later and we have been together
ever since. We plan to marry next year. My ex-husband is in another
state and has no contact with his son at all. My fiancé and my son
have a great bond -- he even calls him "Daddy". He has been the only
father figure in my son's life. How and when should I speak to my
son about his real father, and explain to him that his "Daddy" is
not a biological parent?
ANSWER: Children benefit from knowing
the truth about their origins. The earlier factual information is
presented in a natural and age-appropriate manner, the easier it is
to assimilate. Furthermore, tension and confusion created by keeping
family "secrets" can contribute to problems at a later date. Yet,
in order to present this information you must first be comfortable
with these facts yourself.
First, reflect on your own use of "real" father. Do
you mean "biological" father? It appears from your description that
the man you are marrying and forming family with is indeed a father
in the sociological definition. He is very "real" to your son and
he is his "Daddy". Although it is true that many people can biologically
"parent", only some people can truly accept the emotional responsibility
of rearing a child. Your own comfort or conflict with this distinction
will be communicated. Naturally, it is beneficial to resolve your
own feelings about your son's reality of these two different aspects
of fatherhood before explaining it to him.
Talk with your fiancé about this topic. Explore his
feelings, beliefs and concerns. If you decide to plan a talk with
your son on this subject, do so together. It is likely that this issue
is coming up now because you are legalizing your family bonds through
marriage. This automatically makes your fiancé your son's stepfather.
What a beautiful blending of the "spirit" of family with the legal
reality.
Another legitimate approach to addressing this issue
is to simply take advantage of a situation that would naturally lend
itself towards explaining the "facts". For example, your son might
have a friend whose biological father does not live with him. Or perhaps
he asks about "adopted" children. When your son asks questions about
such circumstances or comments on them, you may find it easy to segue
into this discussion about fatherhood and what it means.
Your son will have different questions at different
points in his development. "Age-appropriate" explanation means to
present the facts simply and directly and then respond to the questions
he asks. Do not tell him more than he asks. This allows him to pace
his own readiness. Do communicate that he can come to you with his
questions as they occur.
Be aware that the questions he has now will be different
from those he asks as a teenager or a young adult. Answer his questions
as directly and honestly as possible as they come up. Do not be surprised
if he has few questions in the beginning and for long stretches of
time, then suddenly has a string of them. Eventually, he may indeed
want to know more about his biological roots. Your job as parents
is to assist him in learning about himself and answering his needs
as they arise.
It is important that you take some time to consider
how you want to approach this topic, but do not wait too long! Tell
your son the truth before someone else beats you to it. The best people
to learn about himself are you and his "Daddy". The older he gets,
the more difficult this discussion will be and the more likely that
he may feel "betrayed" instead of informed.
Consider also, that this period prior to your wedding
may serve as an opportune time to integrate this new information.
The upcoming ritual of declaring yourselves "family" reaffirms the
reality of the very real and special connection already forged with
this man who has always been his "Daddy".
