QUESTION: My fiancé and I have been
been living together, with our three children, for more than three
years. We are talking about getting married. During a recent discussion
my daughter asked if we would all have the same last name. We explained
that her last name would remain the same. My daughter doesn't want
to be different from the rest of the family. I intend to speak with
my ex and see if I he will allow my daughter's last name to be changed,
but I expect the answer will be a rather firm "no." Should my daughter
change her name?
ANSWER: Your daughter's family roots
are represented by her surname, which also holds special meaning for
her. Her desire to lose her father's name is precipitated by your
remarriage, a natural marker in the development of your stepfamily.
Changing her name is symbolic of the struggle to be included, but
it may not be her best answer in the long run. Take a deeper approach.
You are probably right about your anticipation of
a negative response from your daughter's father on this one. Though
your daughter would like to change her name at this time, she might
regret it later, as symbolically it represents her father's side of
her bi-nuclear family. Would it not follow at some point, that giving
up his name to be included in this group implies not being included
in his family group? Or could she experience feelings of disloyalty
towards her father, at a later date? Naturally, since the two of you
have been living in this family for the past three years, there is
little real likelihood that her fear of being left out will have any
merit based on her name. Still, it is important to take her concerns
seriously and explore her associations to this normal stepfamily process.
First, be sure to explain to her that regardless of
her name, she is a full-fledged member of this family with all rights
and privileges. Ask her if there are any ways she already feels left
out. It is possible that the name change is simply bringing to the
fore a dynamic that exists in the family. Openly explore this possibility
with her and address her concerns directly. This could be an opportunity
for productive family discussion and bonding. After all, she is the
only step-sibling in the group. There will be ways she is different
from her other two children.
Let your daughter know that coming to terms with differences
as well as likenesses is ongoing among most siblings, even identical
twins! Support her pride in her differences without denying her desire
to be similar. You can also facilitate discussion of inclusion in
the family by playing family games such as creating different "groupings"
that exist in the stepfamily. For example, there is a group of males
and a group of females in the family. There is a group of kids and
a group of adults. There is one boy and two girls. By playing these
games as a family she will experience herself as sometimes being in
a group while someone else is odd man out.
Once she is satisfied that her place in the family
is secure, she may more easily adapt to your name change. But do not
ignore the possibility of retaining your maiden (or other name) as
a compromise. In other words, though it would be highly awkward to
keep your first husband's name upon remarriage, it may possible for
you to do so. Or you could consider a return to your maiden name.
That way, she and you would have similar situations, though different
names.
Other creative alternatives might be to consider adopting
a hyphenated version of her last name followed by your newly married
name. Perhaps your fiancé and his children would also consider this
option. If all of these people said "yes" perhaps your ex-spouse would
understand your daughter's feelings about belonging to both groups
and agree to a hyphenation of her name. She would be adding a name
instead of changing one. Even if your ex agreed to only his name being
on the latter half of the hyphenation, it is possible for your fiancé
and his children to adopt that new surname combination as well.
None of these solutions may be feasible, but it is
the creation of a family process that will make your daughter
feel included! Call a family meeting or while sitting down to dinner
bring this matter up for discussion. By doing so, it is probable that
no matter what the outcome, your daughter's needs to be included will
be answered by the family process. This reminds me of the story of
a young boy who wanted to have strong muscular definition in his arms.
He went to a local wiseman for help with this problem. This old man
told him that this was "going to take some thinking" and that he needed
the boy to chop and saw some wood to help him think, which the boy
did. Two days later the boy came back only to be sent out again, and
then again for more chopping and sawing, until at sundown on the seventh
day the boy came again for the old man's reply. The old man had only
to ask that he flex his arm and there appeared his answer.
Do not shy away from dealing with the fact that she
is uniquely bonded to both this family and her father (and his clan).
But she IS a family member with a concern. She deserves the family's
consideration of her problem.
Creating family processes to share our individual
life experiences is what family is about . Regardless of whether or
not your daughter (or others) change names, an opportunity can be
created for your daughter to feel a deep sense of belonging to this
stepfamily, without displacing her connection to her father.
