QUESTION: I'm thinking about getting
remarried to a wonderful man, he has been a part of our (I have a
one year old son) lives now for 10 1/2 months. He loves my son (he
has no children of his own) he is the only "Daddy" my son knows. My
ex-husband has visitation every other weekend, but not over night.
We got divorced when I was 6 week pregnant. He isn't a large part
of my son's life. My question is... My son has started calling my
boyfriend "daddy" and why shouldn't he, this is the man that is there
when he's sick and takes him to the park. But if my ex remains in
my son's life will this cause him to have questions about who his
daddy really is ???
ANSWER: Whoa! Slow down, before you
end up putting the cart before the horse! "Thinking" about marriage
does not yet justify the label of "Daddy". Be cautious about introducing
this man as a "permanent fixture" in your child's life precipitously.
Your son needs protection from developing long term expectations in
relationships that could prove transitory in the end. However, assuming
that you do become engaged and set a wedding date, your question is
a good one.
Fatherhood (as well as motherhood) is defined by caretaking
responsibilities as much as biological reality. In the emotional realm,
your boyfriend has filled the role of father more than your son's
biological father has been able to do. No wonder you feel that he
has earned the name of "Daddy". But whether or not your son would
be confused about who his father is depends on the reactions of the
adults around him, more than the label.
What is his biological father's reaction to your son
calling your boyfriend "Daddy"? Though your ex spouse has not been
around during your pregnancy, he has developed a relationship with
his son following birth. His bimonthly visitation signals an important
commitment that should not be devalued. In addition, it is important
to separate out any feelings of abandonment you may have resulting
from loss of your marriage (early in the pregnancy) from interpretations
of your son's relationship to his biological father.
Naturally, it is in your child's best interest to
have more, rather than less, adult caregivers interested in his development,
barring toxic conflictual tensions in doing so. And your concern about
possible confusion shows great sensitivity to his needs. The solution
will arise out of each adult finding and accepting his/her appropriate
place in your child's life. Assuming that you share joint custody
with the biological father, it would be in order to discuss this with
him. If he agrees with you, and is content with a "Pops", "Dad" (instead
of Daddy) or other label, then you son will probably adjust well to
having two men in noncompeting caretaking positions. However, if your
ex-spouse objects to this, and feels his own relationship threatened,
you may want to ask him for suggestions that he feels comfortable
supporting.
There are many terms of endearment that can be adopted
to convey a special relationship in the parent/stepparent-child relationship.
Find one that works (conceptually) for everyone involved, and your
child will not suffer tension resulting from competing loyalties.
How you approach this process of decision-making is critical to the
formation of your new stepfamily. For you must integrate the past,
if the new family constellation is to be successful!
