QUESTION: After 16 years of marriage,
my husband had an affair with a woman he met on the Internet. We have
reconciled and are working on rebuilding our marriage. I feel that
he is doing everything possible to make amends and reassure me of
his commitment. But, since the affair he has become impotent. What
can we do?
ANSWER: Suggest to your husband that
he get a physical examination from a urologist to rule out any physical
causes for his impotence. However, if he is able to bring himself
to orgasm alone, it is probable that his lovemaking difficulties are
brought on by feelings about his sexual actions and the effects on
your marriage. If his bill of health remains clear, it is likely that
although you have forgiven him, your husband has not forgiven himself.
It is also possible that his sexual fantasies and/or
associations have changed. Perhaps vaginal penetration is where his
guilt begins. Talk together about what is going on for him.
Consider talking about any issues that may not have
been resolved in your previous discussions about this extra-marital
incident. Was protection used? Are either of you concerned about sexually
transmitted disease? How would such an action be prevented in the
future? Is it possible that his failure to "perform" is a reflection
of anger or confusion about the marriage? Does your husband feel equally
powerful to you in other areas of your partnership? It is sometimes
the case that unacknowledged power struggles are expressed in the
marital bed.
Forgiveness is critical to recovering your sexual
bond, but it is also important that you both understand what caused
the vulnerability for betrayal and why it is you feel that this situation
would not happen in the future. Be cautious about mistaking "forgiveness"
for "problem-solving" and heightened emotionality for intimacy. True
intimacy requires honest communication. Does your husband feel confident
that he would come to you with any difficulties regarding dissatisfaction
in your marriage instead of acting on his impulses? Do you feel that
the two of you have actually improved your ability to communicate
your needs to each other, or are you merely riding high on the "closeness"
precipitated by the primal feelings evoked in this recent crisis?
If your husband continues to experience difficulty
with maintaining an erection or your renewed energy for one another
begins to feel stale, consider a consult with a competent marriage
counselor to ensure you get to the bottom of any implications the
affair has for your marriage. However, your husband may need his own
counseling to forgive himself. Perhaps his actions have caused him
to doubt himself in many areas, and his inability to achieve an erection
is his body's way of asking him to take a deeper look at himself.
Your husband's betrayal is a deep wound for you because
he broke the trust on which your marriage is founded. But his perpetration
of disloyalty may have far deeper ramifications for his own character.
His infidelity was not only a breach of his marital vows, but perhaps
an assault on his faith in himself. His body may be expressing the
pain of the self-betrayal he has not yet released in words. Keep talking,
exploring and remain open to the possibility that healing requires
time.
