QUESTION: My husband and I have
very different tastes when it comes to sex. He typically is very fantasy-oriented
and likes to incorporate tapes, magazines, and verbal fantasy. I would
be quite content with us just staring into each other's eyes. While
there may be fantasies going on in my head I don't feel the need to
verbalize them. I can accept his desires, but sometimes it's very
overwhelming and it dominates our lovemaking, which I feel is reduced
to animal lust. I've told him that his "obsession" makes me feel very
separated from him and he says he doesn't mean for it to. Is there
anyway I can accept his sexuality or should I insist that he conforms
to me?
ANSWER: The good news is that you are
communicating with your husband. The bad news is that you feel his
style dominates your lovemaking. Perhaps this is why you are feeling
separate instead of close to him. Why not ask for equal time? Increase
the range of sexual expression in your relationship rather than turning
your lovemaking into a turf war.
Take turns pleasing each other. You may discover that
your nonverbal sensuality can open your husband to new frontiers of
sexuality. It is important that you and your partner experience emotional
and physical satisfaction in your relationship. Lovemaking is no different
from other areas that you may need to experiment with in order to
achieve harmony by learning from each other.
You may find that his flavor of lovemaking is more
appealing to you when it does not serve as your sexual default. Suggest
that your mate learn about your approach to sensuality, rather than
conform to your sexual needs.
You might want to include an exercise inspired by
Masters and Johnson for increasing your attention and ability to engage
intimately in one another's sensual as well as sexual pleasures:
After bathing together, take turns caressing each
other, but avoid genitals and breasts at first. Begin exploring one
another's body through touch. Take turns as one person lies nude on
the bed, allowing the other to gently stroke their body from head
to toe. First lie on your back as your partner strokes you, then on
your stomach, allowing him to touch you from your scalp to your toes.
Share what kind of touch and stroke feels pleasurable to you. Share
what does not. Reverse roles after about 20 minutes. Discover what
feels pleasurable to your partner. Does he like a soft stroke? Does
she like slow steady pressure or a lighter touch? Share what feels
good to you and what does not.
Agree to refrain from having "sex" the first time
you do the exercise. This will keep you on track with discovering
what is sensual, before sexual tensions develop. When you are ready,
include genitals and breasts and gradually proceed to full sexual
intercourse. If you wish, include looking at one another as you have
wanted to do, but also give your husband an opportunity at some point
to communicate what he experiences.
Your husband may need to develop a level of comfort
with the emotional intimacy you are requesting. Likewise, you may
find that you can delight in the lust he excels at, once the range
of sensual/sexual pleasure is widened. Agree to keep an open mind
and do these exercises with the intent of trying to better understand
your partner.
These questions may help you gain empathy for the
different ways women and men are acculturated to address their sexual
needs and expressions.
You are two very different people in many ways. The
enrichment of any marriage lies in part through the perspective you
gain from your partner in many areas, and sex is no exception! Each
of you brings an important and viable element of sexuality to your
relationship.
Invite your husband to experience the world of your
sensitivities. Do not become hurt and upset if he does not at first
get it. Simply insist that he learn your language of love as well
as his own. There is nothing that either of you will gain from dominating
your spouse. But there may be much that each of you can learn from
the other. Isn't that what marriage is all about?
