QUESTION: I just got married. Both
my wife and I came from very restricted and traditional families in
China. I've known her about two years. Now she is 26. Before marriage,
I asked her if she had any relationships. She said she was very simple,
never had. She always very careful about staying out alone with male
friends, and she always called her mother if it was late.
In my mind, I never doubted she was still a
virgin. until the night we got married. I found out not only she was
so experienced in all kinds of techniques, but also her vagina was
so loose. I almost fainted instantly. Even when I asked her, she still
tried to lie to me. All of sudden, my expectations of her went down
the drain and my love for her seemed to start falling.
I started to guess at what happened in her past.
On one hand I want to know her past, on the other hand, I felt disappointed
to learn anything relating to her past relationships. Finally, I pin
pointed out logically without her telling me that during the two years
we've known each other, she had relationship with someone, not one
but two or three, while she was in school. At that time, I was away
and working overseas. I called many times from overseas, she was never
home on weekends and I sent mail she never answered. I did not doubt
anything at the time.
Now I feel so hurt, because by our culture,
I really don't have face to discuss this with anyone. I believe my
love for her has already been discounted. To western culture, this
pre-marital relationship doesn't mean anything. But to me this means
a lot. Is divorce the only choice now? I am very scared. We are married
less than two weeks!
I hated that she didn't tell me before hand
and I didn't even try to make sure before marriage. Now there is no
way out except to accept her. Why didn't she give me a choice? We
may never have gotten married. Her explanation is that she wanted
to give a complete her to me without letting me feel let down. I completely
lost my trust in her. I cannot make sure what could happen in the
future while I am not around.
What complicates the situation is that every
time we make love, I think that she has done this to another man,
immediately, my desire disappears. I really need your help.
ANSWER: You have tried, judged and convicted
your wife with insufficient evidence! Your conclusions, though they
may seem correct to you, are constructed from your imagination. Although
you may have cause to believe your wife has lied to you, you have
jumped from struggling with trust to full-blown marital infidelity
in the future.
You are caught between a rock and a hard place by
your cultural expectations. As in any marriage, you will have to come
to terms with reality over fantasy and decide on the best course of
action, whether or not your spouse fits cultural "guidelines".
You are hurting from the belief that your wife has
been with another man before you were together and that therefore
she is less than an acceptable spouse. You torture yourself with fantasies
of her involvement with others. You are also suffering pain based
upon your belief that she did lie to you and therefore you cannot
trust her in the future. Still, your evidence may be substantiated
only in your mind. Let's take a further look at each of these factors.
If in fact your wife has lied to you, your hurt is
understandable. But you might fare better to wonder "why" and the
circumstances which may be surrounding her betrayal. What if you are
right that she was with another, but her sexual involvement was involuntary
in some way? Would that make a difference to you? What if she were
sexually abused and either "repressed" this trauma or does not define
involuntary sex as losing her "virginity" and right to marry? Or if
she were with someone out of choice, would this by default mean that
she was unfit to become someone's bride? Is it the case that you would
have decided she was "spoiled goods" and unfit to marry for the fact
of another penis in her vagina?
If so, whatever the reasons for previous sexual involvement,
she certainly would be culturally pressured to "lie" or forever be
scorned and deprived of a "normal" life. Loving your wife may also
mean understanding that trust is a two way street. If voicing the
"truth" in your culture means she is left with no recourse other than
your ultimatum for divorce, then perhaps she, too, has reason for
distrust. In fact, you may both be victims of your culture's sexual
views. But this is not new. Romeo and Juliet played these odds, too!
As well as other couples that have beat the odds and remained happily
alive and married. Surely, your cultural literature is replete with
romantic stories of lovers that defied its' societal standards.
You will need to look outside of your culture's norm
and into your heart on this one. What other qualities does your wife
bring to your marriage, other than sexual pleasures? Is she kind?
Does she possess qualities that you want in a woman you marry? What
are her particular interests and skills? There must have been other
things you saw in your potential bride that attracted you to her other
than the expectation of a tight vagina. Yet, now that you are married
you are allowing yourself only to view her through this particular
filter.
Do not sell your marriage short by ignoring qualities
that you believed would make her a good partner and perhaps a fine
mother to your children. These, too, are no doubt qualities your culture
holds dear. Expand your focus. If you can see beyond your pain, you
may realize that no matter what, her vagina would have relaxed to
this state with you anyway in a matter of time. It is a matter of
your belief that she becomes undesirable to you. You imbue the possibility
that she is not a virgin with the emotional meaning of reducing your
self-esteem.
Perhaps you can seek out others who may have been
in your same situation. Surely, this can't be that uncommon in your
culture. Finding out how other husbands may have handled this conundrum
you find yourself in might give you hope in your marriage. If you
are able to shake yourself free of these cultural shackles, you may
find solace in your wife's good qualities. Is it possible for you
to see yourself in a different role? Could you forge a stronger bond
as cultural bandits together? Perhaps you could then enjoy the wonderful
love-making techniques she brings to this marriage. Undying marital
fidelity and passion might even become your reward!
Certainly, it will be important to address the issue
of truth. Honesty is forthcoming in an atmosphere in which ultimatums
are put away, and it is safe enough to reveal our truest nature. You
are now married to this woman. If you want this marriage to work,
consider giving up your ultimatums of divorce and your obsessions
with her past. Establish a bond with her to work through this honesty
issue.
If coming out with the truth means automatically that
the marriage is over, it is unlikely that you will ever really get
to the bottom of this. Try a different approach!
