QUESTION: I am writing in desperation.
I am 32-years-old and my husband is 35. We've been married 11 years
and have suffered through 10 years of infertility. My husband constantly
says that he feels burned out on sex after being forced to have sex
on demand all these years. We have made love only five times in the
past two years. I love him and will stay married to him, but I just
don't know where to turn. Could you please give me some direction?
ANSWER: Infertility can dampen the flames
of passion in any relationship. But you are experiencing a double
whammy as parenthood also curtails spontaneity in a marriage and particularly
in the area of sexuality. You may feel especially deprived if the
two of you did not take any significant breaks from trying to conceive
during those ten years. It is recommended that after six months of
"trying", couples take off at least one month in order to recover
their romantic rhythm with each other before continuing to limit sex
to a procreative focus.
After 10 years of sex "on demand" and now the reality
of parenthood, it is no wonder that your sexual relationship is flagging.
Your husband may be expressing the grief over lost spontaneity in
your sex life. And you may represent the voice for reviving the romance.
Both of you hold important aspects of recovery from the part of the
relationship that was lost. Feelings of inadequacy may be prevalent
for your husband or yourself. And the two of you may benefit from
speaking with other couples who have experienced infertility in their
relationships. Community groups like "Resolve" may help you get in
touch with other couples going through phases of infertility in your
area. Or seeking marriage counseling to express these feelings may
help shed light on ways to recover romance in your marriage at this
juncture.
It is possible to re-romanticize your relationship.
Trace back to memories of when you first met. What kind of attraction
did you experience for one another at that time? It will be helpful
to uncover what kind of sexual relationship you enjoyed before trying
to conceive so that you will be clear on whether you are trying to
recover what was there, or whether it is the case that your sexuality
had not developed strongly beforehand. After all, you had only been
married for one year when you began trying to have a child. This assessment
will help you appreciate the development of sexuality in your marriage
and allow you to focus in on what is needed now.
Slowly allow yourselves to become reacquainted sexually.
Masters and Johnson's "sensate focus" exercise is one way you might
start. Begin by setting the scene in a manner that is romantic to
you both -- candlelight, soft music and no children around! Take a
bath together by candlelight. Plan on not having sex, but simply
exploring each others' bodies in a relaxed and pleasurable way.
When you are ready to leave the bath, take turns focusing
on sensuality only, by having one partner lie down, first on
the stomach and then on their back ... allowing the other partner
to caress your body in a way that he or she thinks might feel good
to you. But avoid genitals and breasts at this time as they are areas
of too much arousal towards sexual expression. Keep it slow and sensual.
Give feedback to your partner of what feels pleasurable, how you like
being touched. and how you do not like being touched. Take about 20
minutes and then exchange places. The purpose of this exercise is
simply to become acquainted with the range of pleasurable sensation
through touch and to learn about your own and your partner's pleasure
at this time.
Be clear from the start that you are merely reawakening
the sensual part of your relationship without pressure to have sex.
If you have sex immediately following the sensate focus exercise,
you have sabotaged the purpose of the experience and you will not
be able to trust it as a vehicle for this kind of safe and slow exploration.
In time you may decide to allow genitals and breasts to be included
and later may feel a desire to move the experience to a sexual level.
But do not undermine your efforts to thoroughly explore the sensual
before sexualizing the experience.
You have been through a lot together. Take time to
recover your sensuality and tenderness with each other. Go on dates.
Have fun! You must carve out time together that is unencumbered for
your relationship to breathe. Take it slow and create an opportunity
to recover and rebuild your passion together.
