QUESTION: My wife and I have been
married for 11 years and have two children aged seven and five. There
has been no sexual activity between my wife and myself for some time.
My wife says that she is afraid to get pregnant again. Will we ever
have a normal sex life again?
ANSWER: It is common for fear of pregnancy
to dampen sexual desire. Your wife may have good reason to avoid sex
if your children were not planned. And certainly abstinence is good
birth control, but definitely hard on a marriage!
Do you or your wife want to have more children? If
not, consider the option of a vasectomy for yourself, or a tubal ligation
for her. This would free you both of the fear of pregnancy and open
the possibility of reviving your sexual relationship. If you did choose
a course of this nature, realize that the two of you would have to
get reacquainted sexually and in a manner of speaking, separate sex
from the fear of fertility. There would need to be a courtship, perhaps,
to reignite the sexual flame. It would also seem wise to fully explore
other areas of the relationship to determine whether there are other
breakdowns in intimacy which could also be contributing to decreased
sexual desire for your wife.
If other areas of your relationship are satisfying
and sex is mostly a result of pregnancy fear and not lack of communication
or closeness in other ways, then consider what a vasectomy would mean
for you. Talk with your doctor and to other men who have had this
operation to hear their stories. Ask about their reasons for having
a vasectomy, the feelings they may have experienced relating to their
sense of manhood and the after effects on their sexual relationship
with their wives. Be aware that in most couples' relationships in
this country, men are the ones who step forward for sterilization
for two reasons. The first reason given is that it is a simpler and
less painful operation for men than for women. The second reason expressed
is that couples feel that since the woman is the one who has bore
the pregnancies and childbirths for the family that it is the man's
turn to take responsibility for this aspect of the sexuality in the
relationship because he can and it is easier for him to do so physically
than his wife.
Although these reasons are commonly expressed does
not mean they are right for you. Clearly psychological and even spiritual
or religious issues may come into play and must be considered and
discussed between partners.
But sometimes, the experience of taking your wife
seriously and being willing to discuss possibilities can lead to other
unexpected outcomes and closeness. This was the case with my husband,
who after much discussion agreed to have a vasectomy and was going
to give it to me as a present! But because I knew how much he really
did not want to have it, I found myself so touched by his offer that
I told him I did not need him to have it done. Since then, we have
enjoyed 6 years of sexual closeness without becoming pregnant. Some
couples find that relating sexually in other ways than intercourse
during the woman's fertile period can also reduce the possibility
of unwanted conception.
Talk with your wife. Open up a discussion to explore
your options and the consequences of various possibilities. She may
be expressing the "no" in the relationship because she is majorly
responsible for the children. If so, she may need your sensitivity
and understanding of her position in the family and the consequences
that pregnancy entails for her. However, if she feels this way, then
she is probably also protecting the couples' relationship by not having
more children.
Your appreciation of her experience as a mother and
a woman will most likely go a long way towards making her feel closer
to you. If your wife feels you are seeking to understand her instead
of just trying to get closer sexually, she may appreciate you more.
Sometimes men experience their desire for closeness through sexual
contact and women feel the need to be emotionally close to become
sexual. Perhaps your willingness to try to understand her needs and
feelings will bring the two of you together on either having sexual
contact that does not have the possibility of becoming pregnant, or
utilizing the medical profession for help in making it impossible
to conceive. Your willingness to entertain different alternatives
to accommodate her could give birth to a solution that will be more
satisfying for both of you.
