QUESTION: Up until a month before
the birth of our first baby, our sex had always been wonderful and
plentiful. Now, although I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight and take
care of my health and diet, I don't make love to my husband. My gynecologist
blames it on breastfeeding. I feel as sexual as Mother Goose. Is it
because I don't get enough sleep?
ANSWER: Though it is true that a lack
of sleep and hormonal changes may decrease your sexual appetite dramatically
in the first year following birth, breastfeeding does not sentence
you to celibacy. "Mother Goose Syndrome" is, in part, a result of
having so much of your need for physical nurturing met in cuddling
your baby; your need for hugs may have decreased temporarily. Some
moms are so relieved to put their bundle of joy down for a nap that
the last thing they want is to jump into someone else's arms -- even
if it's their beloved.
For a number of reasons, it's common for sex to decrease
in the first year after birth. However, since you have not had sex
since before your baby was born, it is probably a good idea to do
so in the near future. Your lack of libido may be a psychological
barrier of some kind that symbolizes your image of what a mother is
or should be. This could be in conflict with your experience of yourself
as a sexually active woman. Can mothers enjoy sex? Are mothers sexy?
Did your mother enjoy sex? Will your husband experience your body
differently after the birth of a child?
Your body has been through many changes in the past
several months. Sharing your body with your baby and also with your
husband may require a gradual synthesis for you. You're probably wondering
how sex might feel, now that your vagina has expanded for the birth
of your child, or you may need to rediscover your body in its new
form. Even though you may be down to your pre-pregnant weight, body
changes after birth are real. Acknowledging and embracing the changes
that motherhood brings to you physically may release associated feelings
as well. Explore these feelings with your husband and with other women
who have become mothers. We adjust to changes as we express and talk
about them.
When you're ready, arrange to have uninterrupted private
time with your husband to explore your bodies anew. Explore how your
body (and perhaps his) have changed, now that you have become parents
together. Light candles, take a warm bath together. When there's time
to relax again and focus on yourselves, tell each other how you feel.
And realize that you will have to schedule, plan and protect this
time as a couple. The time of spontaneous lovemaking is temporarily
over, but this doesn't have to mean that lovemaking is over!
You may find that though the frequency of lovemaking
decreases, the quality of sex increases. Many women report deeper
and stronger orgasms following pregnancy and birth. Indeed, the increase
in surface area of the womb and heightened blood supply brought to
the lower pelvic floor during pregnancy can contribute to greater
sensuality.
