QUESTION: My husband and I love each
other and have the same goals in life, but everything we do is centered
around our two-year-old daughter. When it is time to get in the mood
I don't have anything left. I just feel like mom and don't feel at
all sexy. I know he is ready and willing, but he doesn't want me to
give "charity" sex. I feel guilty for not making my husband happy.
I know he isn't feeling too self-confident because he feels that his
wife doesn't want him. Any suggestions?
ANSWER: Becoming a mother for the first
time can be emotionally, physically and spiritually consuming. However,
it is important to begin to separate yourself enough from your daughter
so that you can refill your own batteries. This often means having
some time to yourself, even if you simply sit and read a newspaper
at a local coffee house while Daddy and daughter spend time together.
When you recover your own individuality from total immersion in motherhood,
you may find you have energy for your husband again.
What kinds of activities encouraged romance or passion
in the past in your relationship? Can you begin to revive some of
these interactions, even in a small way? Writing your husband a card,
remembering a pleasurable or erotic moment you shared together before
your daughter was born can be a start at rebuilding some passion in
your relationship. Reintroducing music, flowers and candlelight after
your daughter goes to bed may begin the intimate talks you need before
you are ready to engage sexually. But this will probably not occur
until you have some sense of yourself back first.
Now that you are a mother, what interests call to
you outside of motherhood? Are there any classes you might enjoy?
Clubs you would like to join? Friendships you want to have? Motherhood
can be very isolating and babysitting exchanges, co-ops, or play groups
may give you time to start to reconnect to others. Adult stimulation
is necessary to spark your energy and develop your own avenues of
interest. Your low energy may be in part due to depression and loneliness
if you are not reconnecting with others or yourself by two years after
the birth of your child. Depression diminishes libido!
You do need to save some energy not only for yourself,
but for the relationship as well. Unlike the time before becoming
parents, spontaneous adult time together does not just happen by itself.
It must be scheduled, even carved out to make room for romance, passion
and just plain adult relating and fun.
Once you have regained some of your own activities
or interests and developed conversations with your husband, you may
feel ready to get sexually reacquainted. Take it slow. Observe and
appreciate the ways your body has changed after pregnancy and childbirth.
Start out by simply taking a warm bath together, gently washing one
another by candlelight if you wish. Do not plan on making love right
away. First explore each other's bodies.
After bathing together, take turns caressing each
other, but avoid genitals and breasts at first. Begin exploring one
another's body through touch. Take turns as one person lies nude on
the bed, allowing the other to gently stroke their body from head
to toe. First lie on your back as your partner strokes you, then on
your stomach, allowing him to touch you from your scalp to your toes.
Share what feels good, how you like him to touch you now. Discover
or rediscover what feels pleasurable to your partner now. Does he
like a soft stroke? Does she like slow steady pressure or a lighter
touch? Share what feels good. Have a "naked date " together without
pressure to have sex.
Your couples' relationship does need attention for
passion to remain alive. Acknowledge that you are renewing your marriage
at this time by getting reacquainted with one another sexually and
in other ways, too. Expect shyness. In some ways, spending time without
your daughter will be like going on your first date together all over
again! Catch up on the personal changes you have each experienced
since you became parents. Daily walks and talks as well as candlelight
dinners can help to refocus your relationship on intimacy and adult
relating.
Without your renewed focus, the sexuality may indeed
atrophy. But it is not too late to rebuild.
Your relationship is the garden in which your daughter
grows. You will need to take time separate from her to nurture your
relationship. But when you nourish your marriage, your child will
also benefit from the increased love and passion that flows between
the two of you.
By addressing your needs outside of motherhood, you
teach your daughter that mothers are not just moms but people who
have their own lives, too. You model for her what it means to be a
woman in the family. She will learn that the vital role of mother
need not eclipse her own sense of individuality and passion when she
grows up!
