QUESTION: Since our son's birth, my
wife has had almost no libido. She works long hours at her job and
then comes home, changes into her grubbiest sweats, eats dinner and
watches TV or reads until bedtime. Then she wants to sleep -- not
cuddle, kiss or make love. Though our son's birth was difficult, I
can't pin down her newfound puritan attitude. She thinks sex is messy,
painful, lewd and totally optional. Before giving birth she very much
enjoyed making love, but since then, we've rarely had sex. She refuses
to talk about it. Any tips?
ANSWER: A marriage is not a unilateral
agreement. It is a shared vision. Your wife's refusal to discuss what
is bothering you is dangerous to the marriage. This kind of non-communication
is stonewalling, a particularly toxic form of non-negotiation that
is linked with potential for divorce at worst, and damage to the quality
of your relationship at best.
Either way, it is imperative to the health of your
relationship that you express your need to communicate with her about
this topic. Let her know that it is not acceptable for her to cut-off
from you emotionally in this manner. Tell her your feelings about
whether or not sex is "optional" in your marriage. It is very important
that your needs be discussed and communicated until you can come to
some compromise or understanding as to how this change has come about,
and what your shared vision of marriage is now, and in the future.
Perhaps your wife is feeling powerless in some way
in the relationship and would better be able to express herself with
a professional counselor. Be sensitive to her wishes regarding this,
but insist that you need to have a safe place to discuss your feelings
with her. Becoming parents may have had a profound psychological impact
on your relationship in general and how she experiences her sexuality
with you. Working a full time job and/or changes in her body following
the birth should also be explored for any impact on her experience
of sexuality. Physical pain related to intercourse should also be
addressed with her obstetrician or midwife to rule out any physical
problems. Discuss whether the childbirth experience itself could have
changed her attitudes or feelings about making love to you. If so,
she should seek counseling for traumatic stress associated to this.
However, it is also true that relationships do change
when children are born due to the transition itself. The changes that
have taken place since the birth of your son may need further exploration.
Partners often feel a loss of their old relationship but have trouble
expressing these feelings because they feel guilty about negative
thoughts associated to parenthood. Losing a connection with one another
and not discussing it creates more painful distance. But women and
men also have different approaches to psychological . Perhaps you
are reaching out to make contact with her sexually and she needs to
connect with you in some other way before she feels ready to make
love. This is a common difference for men and women. Men may wish
to make love to get close, while women may feel that they need to
get close to make love. Exploring broader relationship issues may
be the key that opens the bedroom door again.
