QUESTION: My husband and I have been
married for two years and have a beautiful and very happy eight-month-old
girl. We have an excellent marriage and I am sexually attracted to
my husband but neither of us feel interested in sex since our baby's
birth. We have only had sex eight times in the past eight months.
It is part scheduling conflict and partly due to the fact that I am
still nursing quite often, and feel touched out. I don't want this
to become a problem for us. What can we do?
ANSWER: Sex is often the most vulnerable
part of a relationship, and it can atrophy if not tended. However,
the good news is that this does not seem to be the case in your marriage!
You and your husband are enjoying a sexual relationship.
The decrease in frequency is a natural one and the fact that you are
talking about it means you are communicating to boot. Share your fear
with him that he might be overprotective of you, causing him not to
fully express his feelings about this subject. Allow for processing
disappointment and pleasure in the changes parenthood has brought
to your relationship. But also allow him the opportunity to accommodate
the additional pressures of parenthood and the fact that both of you
are putting energy into the growth and care of another human being.
The physical demands on your body commonly decrease libido as do work
and job pressures for both men and women.
Scheduling is a fact of life with children and can
decrease spontaneity and frequency in the sexual relationship of the
couple. It is important to protect your relationship during the enormous
changes that occur in the early years of parenthood. Quality of sex
may be more important than quantity. Scheduling private couple time
together makes your partner feel loved and considered. Even though
it may not be as often as you wish, being able to look forward to
relaxing together, sharing your experiences and the changes you have
undergone individually and as a couple is necessary foreplay! And
it may be interrupted foreplay that begets consummation days or even
weeks later. But rest assured that sharing will result in greater
desire for closeness and a desire to make time for future lovemaking
a priority in your busy schedules.
The demands of babies and toddlers are more physically
exhausting than parenting school aged children. Your libido will ebb
and flow and being in sync with each other's sexual needs will falter
more often during this period. However it is important to maintain
the sexual aspect of your relationship while adjusting to these needs.
If a marriage begins to resemble more that of a brother and sister
and less the quality of a husband and wife relationship, sex can threaten
to disappear altogether. Scheduling time for romance and communicating
a sense of "specialness" to your partner takes increased effort after
children arrive on the scene. But it keeps the fire burning. A low
level flame is easily rekindled. Cold ashes are not.
