QUESTION: I recently found out
that my husband masturbates. This has made me feel very hurt and unattractive.
I don't understand why he needs to do that when I am here. Is it normal
for my husband to masturbate in the bathroom when I am available and
waiting for him in the bedroom?
ANSWER: You are hurt because you believe
that the reason your husband is masturbating is because you are unattractive
to him. Although your feelings are understandable, it is more likely
that your husband is having trouble with intimacy in the marriage,
which includes bringing his sexual needs to the relationship. This
could have to do with marital dynamics, but it could also have to
do with his own sexual development.
Begin by talking with your husband about your feelings
and what his masturbation has brought up for you in light of your
own frustrations with sex. Use "I" statements to express your feelings,
rather than blaming him. For example, "I felt hurt when I discovered
you masturbating and I imagined that you do not find me attractive."
Let your husband know that you have been wanting more
sex, rather than less, and that you had thought you were accommodating
his needs. Do not shame him or criticize him for masturbating. It
is not a question of normalcy and this complaint is not uncommon in
my practice of marital and family therapy. But what is more important
than passing judgment is to find out what the emotional meaning of
his masturbation is in context of himself and your relationship.
It is possible that your husband has had difficulty
bringing his sexual needs fully to the relationship. The fact that
you have only recently discovered his masturbation may also be a sign
that the two of you have not been as emotionally intimate as you would
like to be in your marriage. Use this as an opportunity to create
connection rather than destroy it.
One of my couples discovered that some of their most
satisfying emotional connection occurred when they were engaged in
open and honest communication. They began to label this emotional
intimacy "lovemaking" even though it did not always result in sex.
Take this opportunity to expand the definition of
lovemaking to include a safe space to explore, discuss and develop
an understanding of what is going on for each of you in your marriage.
Honestly share your feelings with the intent to consider the tender
aspects of your sexual needs.
Develop your marriage by creating an opening for deepening
trust and resolving old issues that may have been left hanging between
the two of you.
It may be the case that your husband is taking his
sexual energy to the bathroom instead of the bedroom. Do not hold
back in bringing your feelings to the marriage, and asking him to
do the same. But stop short of drawing conclusions with little information.
It is more likely that your discovery represents a signal for growth
in the marriage rather than a statement of your sexual appeal.
