QUESTION: What would you consider
to be a "normal" sex life in a marriage?
ANSWER: As with most things in marriage,
the definition of what is "normal" is left to the partnership between
two people. Marriage is about meeting one another's needs. What is
acceptable to one person might not be to the other. A marriage may
be generally considered functional if both partners are satisfied
with it.
Often, the quality of sex in a marriage is more important
than frequency. Again, if both partners enjoy and feel satisfied by
their sexual connection, then it is functional for them. "Normal"
sexuality could be defined in context of a person's capability for
physiological orgasm. But what is "normal" sex for one couple would
vary not only throughout the course of their own marriage, but in
contrast to other couples. For example, it is normal -- due to biological
changes and environmental stress -- for parents to have less sex in
the months after a child is born.
Many things, including hormonal, environmental and
emotional stress, affect sexual expression in a marriage. Remaining
connected on an emotional level may be reflected in an easy negotiation
of sexual needs, while emotional disconnection or alienation can easily
lead to sexual disinterest by one or both partners.
Be aware that introducing the concept of "normal"
sex (outside of physiological capability for orgasm) may not prove
to be a very useful approach in marriage. A partner who is accused
of being "abnormal", often because they are not meeting the sexual
needs of a spouse, is likely to feel judged or inadequate. This kind
of approach usually drives a lover away, rather than increasing interest
in meeting the needs of his or her partner.
Sex is a vulnerable part of a marriage because sexual
appetites differ and spouses depend on one another to meet sexual
needs. This is a part of monogamy that partners must take seriously,
particularly if one has a much greater sexual desire than the other.
It is up to both partners to address individual styles
and desires. Talk with your partner about your feelings and needs
and what your vision of sex is in your marriage. Then listen to your
partner,s opinion. While the presence of sexuality in a marriage is
an important part of your relationship, the negotiation for when and
how these sexual needs are met must be defined by the two of you.
