QUESTION: My husband and I have
been married for five years and I have not enjoyed our sex life. Recently,
I decided to express my desires and fantasies to him. There has been
a lot more sex, and it has been better, but deep down, I feel dirty
and wrong to be fantasizing about these things. I have never had an
orgasm while having sex, and even with us being increasingly more
open and trying new things, I never even feel like I am getting close.
I feel numb to my husband's touch! Please help.
ANSWER: The good news is that you have
a willing partner to help you explore your sexuality. The emotional
dilemma that stems from enjoying sex at the cost of feeling "dirty"
is a common one endemic to our culture. But there is no reason why
you cannot learn to explore and deepen your physical enjoyment with
your husband, instead of "turning off."
If you are able to reach orgasm through masturbation,
you likely do not have any physical problem which would get in the
way, such as adhesions of the clitoris. Masturbation is a good way
to discover and relate to your own sexuality if you are timid about
bringing your passion forth with your partner. Lonnie Barbach's book
"For Yourself," or others like it on the market, may help as it guides
you through exercises for developing a positive relationship to your
sexuality. If you are unable to reach orgasm on your own or with your
husband, consider a consult with your gynecologist to assess whether
there is any physical cause for this problem.
It is likely that you have discovered at least some
of the reason for your inability to enjoy your sex life. If you are
at odds with your fantasies, consider changing them toward what you
feel constitutes a healthy and acceptable fantasy. You might also
read my article "Clearing the Roadblocks to Sexual Intimacy," which
can help you develop ideas for desensitization to sex, in general.
In this article, the "sensate focus" exercise can gradually develop
your sensuality with your husband, before having sexual intercourse.
Unfortunately, women and men are given conflicting
messages about sexuality. Desensitizing ourselves to physicality is
one of the first steps toward sexual enjoyment. Try walking around
naked in the house, taking candle light baths together and/or massaging
each other in the nude. Initially, don't follow these activities with
sexual intercourse.
Other physically sensual activities, such as belly-dancing,
jazz dance classes or Hawaiian hula dancing may also provide you the
opportunity to sensually inhabit your body.
If after trying many of these approaches, you remain
"numb" to your husband's touch, or if you find that doing these activities
are disturbing to you, consider consulting a therapist knowledgeable
in sexual development. Therapy can help you explore whether there
were any tense or traumatic sexual experiences in your childhood or
adolescence which might have resulted in a dissociation from your
own sexual nature.
Keep in mind that although dissociating from sexuality
can be a direct result of physical sexual abuse, it can also be caused
by sexual associations or tensions that were not physical, but emotionally
present in your childhood development. Visits to a psychotherapist
can effectively assist you in "exorcising" these disturbing associations
and ultimately reclaiming your body as your own.
