QUESTION: My husband and I have
been fighting a lot lately. We end up saying very rude things to each
other. He is especially good at this. We fight over everything but
usually the fights are really bad when we are having financial trouble
(this has been a major problem in the marriage). He likes to buy expensive
things (cars, trucks, electronic equipment and clothes).
He works hard and makes about $25-27,000, I
on the other hand work hard but only make about $18,000. I also work
a second job and make a $3-4,000 off of that. I get home each night
around 9:45 (I have to leave in the morning by 7:00 because my job
is 45 minutes away).
When I get home he usually has dinner for me
(he is the cook in the marriage) I eat and try to do at least one
thing such as laundry, dishes, or just plain cleaning up after he
destroys the kitchen. The trouble is I don't always have time to do
everything because I am so tired when I get home I just want to go
to bed.
On the weekends I am very good about doing all
the household chores. But if I ask him to help he says he makes more
than me and that I need to do the "womanly" chores. He always throws
that he makes more money than me in my face.
This has been going on for 5 years. What can
I do - I beginning not to care so much for him anymore!
ANSWER: Your husband is not only devaluing
you, based on money-making, but forgetting that both of your incomes
are the property of the other. Remind him that marriage is a legal
contract to share!
In addition you lack time for one another and simultaneously
gender issues are threatening to destroy your marriage. Statistically,
women still make less money for the same amount of work than men.
Your husband is adding to the problem if he is devaluing you because
he makes more money than you do for less time on the job. As your
husband, he should be supporting you against the slings and arrows
of unfairness in life, not adding to them!
Perhaps you and your husband should consider having
you quit your part time job or hiring someone to keep house. Neither
you nor your husband seem to be able to do everything, but you are
not facing this fact. Instead you are taking your overtiredness out
on one another. You are blaming each other rather than solving your
problem.
It may be that you and your husband have been arguing
over money, but the real struggle that is not being addressed is the
quality of your relationship. Why is it that you do not appreciate
his cooking, but focus instead on his mess? Why is it that he does
not appreciate the long hours you are spending to bring money into
the family, but criticizes whatever is left undone in the house? And
why is he conveniently calling the housework "woman's chores" instead
of expecting more from himself, particularly if you are working more
hours outside of the home than he? Where is the caring for one another
in all of this?
Your marriage relationship is what you create together.
However, it is possible that gender roles and intimacy issues from
your parents' marriages may be influencing the irrational fighting
the two of you have been embroiled in these past 5 years. What was
the role of your husband's mother, of your mother in the family? Was
she respected as an equal partner in decision making in the family.
What was expected of her? Did she work outside the home? Or was Dad
the main money-maker? Did Dad wield unfair power in getting his way
because he made the money? Was the unpaid work of life (nurturing,
cleaning, household organization) devalued in the marriage partnership,
or was this work respected and valued in the family?
Remember that power and intimacy are bed partners.
The power dynamics present in a marriage impact the dimension of affection
and love that can exist. Trust and love are the result of mutual respect
and care in your relationship. Partnerships that are based on very
traditional gender roles can be healthy and happy if all work
is respected and valued in the family. But where money becomes the
regulator of respect and choice in the marriage, affection suffers.
Love is something that must be nurtured between adults. It is not
free. Adult love is not Unconditional love. That special love is reserved
for children. Adult love is based on mutual respect. Disrespect
and devaluation damages the dimension of caring that can exist in
a marriage.
It is very common for couples entering marriage today
to truly believe they are freed from the gender roles and power struggles
that can be played out because the woman works to bring in money.
But such is not the case! Conditioning runs very deep, and men as
well as woman are vulnerable to expecting women to not only bring
in an income, but magically take care of all the household
chores and be available to emotionally nurture at the end of the day.
And why not? Who wouldn't love to have a magical person in our lives?
But this is a childhood fantasy that must be relinquished if we are
to have happy marriages!
Let your husband know your feelings. Discuss not only
the dynamics around money and household chores, but the fact that
the two of you are not approaching your life together as a team. Why
not? What can be done to solve the problems without resorting to overworking
and blaming? Tell him your limits and your concern that you are beginning
to "not care for him so much anymore". This has to do with the adversity
and lack of quality of affection between you rather than who is making
what amount of money.
Explore together your respective parents' marriages.
What kind of affection was shown? What was the quality of intimacy
between them? Did they work together or was their answer to life's
adversities to turn on the other? These are your unconscious role
models in your marriage. If you like what you saw, emulate the parts
that are positive. If not, take stock of what kind of marriage you
want to have, and what you need to do to make that happen.
It may not be too late to elevate the quality of your
relationship. Begin by spending some time together doing something
enjoyable. Revive activities that you shared before you became buried
in work. With this kind of emotional buffer, you will more easily
be able to review the negative choices you have made in the marriage
and get back on track.
But remember, marriage was never meant to provide
you with the perfect life. No marriage can do that. It can be a resource
for mutual support and healing from the bruises of living, if you
do not mistake your partner for the enemy! It is all too easy to project
unrealistic expectations onto our marriage partner because a marriage
does trigger long lost childhood needs that are associated with our
earliest nurturing relationship, usually our mother. So it is natural
to sometimes make the mistake of seeing our partner through childhood
eyes that render them the magical qualities we once experienced in
our own parents. Get realistic about the time you have and how you
are spending it. What needs do each of you have in this marriage?
Are you seeing your partner realistically as a human being with strengths,
weaknesses and limitations, or do you only want to see the "ideal"
partner and what he or she can give you?
A wise old man who supervised me in my training as
a marriage and family therapist once said to me: "People marry each
other instead of growing up...they have to figure this out before
the marriage can succeed..."
