QUESTION: After 23 years I feel as
if I do not even know my husband. He has become sarcastic and says
hurtful things on a regular basis. I try to ignore them because when
I say anything he gets very angry. Then everything follows a pattern.
First he will say I am an ignorant, whining complainer. He says he
should go to town and find a woman who appreciates a good, hard working
man. Then he will ignore me for about three days. After that he will
be sweet and loving for a while, and then the sarcasm starts up again.
He swears that he loves me, but why would he hurt me like this?
ANSWER: Your husband's cycle of sarcasm
and later ingratiating behavior is likely to be a pattern that was
learned in childhood. Some families develop patterns of regulating
closeness and distance by alternating between "blowing up" and "making
up." Loss of intimacy and trust is usually the result.
No doubt your husband does feel more loving towards
you after he has let off steam. But his threats and sarcasm are driving
you away and he needs to find a better way to express his needs and
negotiate conflict if he is to remain in the realm of your affection.
It is probable that your spouse has needs that are not being met.
Communication between you must become more effective
and less alienating if you are to regain trust and tenderness. Without
true resolution of your conflict, the likelihood is that hurt feelings
will fester and threaten to rupture your marriage.
Most of us feel more capable of being loving when
negative resentments have been aired. But in your relationship, the
manner of expressing "negative" feelings is damaging and the complaints
your husband has about the marriage have no opportunity to be resolved.
Speak up about your own thoughts and feelings, but
offer positive suggestions for what you want changed, rather than
only complaints about what is wrong. Let him know that you are confused
by his alternating sweetness and sarcasm. But do not stop there! Ask
him if he understands what it is that bothers you.
Seriously consider the likelihood that there are many
issues which have no doubt built up over the years and reflect on
whether there have been recent changes in your lives which could be
exacerbating the unresolved tensions between you. Have children recently
left home? Did you or you husband retire? Are there any other changes
in the family that may be increasing daily stresses?
It is also possible that after 23 years, you are the
one who is changing. Is this pattern new, or has something changed
in your life or the way you are now viewing the relationship?
Marriage is a vessel for nurturing the growth and
development of two individuals over time. Changes over the life cycle
requires major shifts in the marital container in order to adjust
to ever-changing needs and circumstances. Perhaps it is time for you
and your husband to review the past, take stock of the present and
envision the future.
Your current situation could be an invitation to embark
upon a true discovery of who you each are at this point in your life
cycle. Invite your husband to reinvent your marriage with you. Do
not shy away from getting professional consultation individually,
or with your husband if your confusion does not clear. But first,
consider your own approach.
Women sometimes fail to empower themselves in their
relationships. This can result in a disempowered "whining" about things
instead of requiring change! Your husband may be better able to hear
you if you make it clear that you are unhappy and that you need some
changes in the marriage. But be prepared to offer (and insist on receiving!)
positive suggestions, instead of a litany of laments.
