QUESTION: I am having an affair with
a married man. We have been seeing each other for two years. He has
three children. His youngest daughter is 11-years-old and he has told
me that she is the reason he is staying in his marriage. I am finding
it increasingly difficult to trust my lover. I get extremely jealous
and frustrated and feel like I'm in limbo. Maybe he will never leave
his marriage. The thought of him choosing his wife over me makes a
part of me despise him and feel so hurt when I realise that I may
not be important to him. Please help me to sort out my feelings.
ANSWER: Your beloved wants to "have
his cake and eat it too." Yet, the two of you are playing a game in
which everyone loses. Do not mistake "having a secret" with him for
"intimacy." Your relationship is based on deception. It is not surprising
that you lack trust!
You entered into this relationship with your eyes
open. You had an opportunity to know that something major was wrong
in your lover's marriage and that he was willing to "break the rules"
of trust and partnership with his wife. This is more opportunity than
his wife had in the situation. It is also likely that your relationship
with him supported him to remain in the marriage, rather than get
out of it.
You are right to believe that he and not his wife
is responsible for keeping you apart. But you must also take responsibility
for your suffering.Though it is natural to feel anger towards your
lover, it is critical that you reflect on your own reasons for being
willing to engage in this illicit love relationship.
Why do you feel the need to be in competition with
another woman? Do you feel a special charge at being "chosen" over
another? It is possible that you suffer from unresolved feelings about
your relationship with your father, and unclear boundaries around
your relationship to your mother. It is likely that you were caught
between your parents in a manner that left you the "loser." Afterall,
Mom is Dad's wife, so if there was unresolved sexual tension between
you and your Dad, you would end up "losing" since you cannot compete
with your mother!
Don't get me wrong. This "Electra" complex (feeling
attractive to Dad as a daughter) is a natural one to work through
in childhood. Some child psychologists refer to this natural development
as the family "affair." The healthy resolution is for a daughter to
feel that her father does see her as an attractive female, but acts
in no way that implies she is in competing with his wife. Likewise,
Mom acts in no way threatened by her relationship with her father.
Psychological and physical boundaries remain intact between generations,
and it is abundantly clear to the daughter that she will have a man
of her own someday! This implies no need to compete to attain the
"special" love you deserve. There is enough love to go around for
everyone.
It is also possible that an undeveloped or abandoning
relationship with your father could have set you up for feeling a
need to be special. Numbness based on neglect could leave you vulnerable
to a desire to "win" love through a dramatic competition.
Still, what would happen if you did "win" this man
as your own? What would spark your passion when there was no more
competition? How will you feel "special" to him? What would being
together feel like when you are no longer love bandits together? How
will your love affair change in the "open light of day"? in the humdrum
of "ordinary" living? Also, consider that you have you may have your
own brand of difficulty with intimacy and commitment that have been
kept at bay because he was not really available to you from the start.
Take care of yourself. Get into your own individual
therapy to get to the roots of your vulnerable attraction to the "false"
intimacy of a love triangle. Consider your reasons for being attracted
to a man who is unavailable to you and who you have to "win" to have
in your life. Accept your responsibility in creating this conundrum.
Take action to correct your own involvement in hurting others as well
as yourself.
Your lover needs to concentrate on the marriage he
is in, before he could possibly be available to create another. Seek
to understand your needs and consider letting go of this doomed situation.
Give yourself a chance to try a more direct approach to get the love
you want. It is hard to ever truly enjoy a relationship that requires
that your gain result in someone else's loss. The children, the wife,
your lover and you all deserve better!
