QUESTION: I am male. All of your marriage
issues seem to be from the female point of view so I decided to ask
you. I have been married for 8 months and I have discovered that my
wife has been lying to me. She gets on the chat lines which didn't
bother me until last night. I logged on and I forgot to change the
user name so everyone thought that I was my wife. This guy starts
asking me if I am going to call him and stuff. I found his number
in her wallet. I don't care if she makes friends, but what got to
me was that he said that my wife had told him that she was unhappy.
I confronted her about it and she says she never told him that. She
said that she never intended to call him, so I asked why his number
was in her wallet. I decided that if I can't tell that she is not
happy and she doesn't tell me then I am not going to worry about it
because she needs to be able to talk to me and if she can't then that
is her fault. So, I'm calmed down, but still unhappy.
I did something I should not have done and I
got this program that records keystrokes on the computer so I can
see what she is saying. I read the log just now and it turns out that
she has more numbers of people (which I had asked her about and she
told me that she promised that she didn't) and she lied to the people
about what happened. She is free to be friends with whomever she wants,
but she is not free to lie to me.
I'm not perfect, but I do try my hardest to
be honest with her. The only time I have lied to her is when I bought
a video game and she caught me and I felt bad. She lied to me even
after I caught her and I gave her the opportunity to come clean with
me and discuss any problems. I am so lost right now, I don't know
what to do. I want this marriage to work out more than anything. If
you can't respond to this then can you tell me where I can turn to?
ANSWER: Although you believe that you
are committed to honesty in your relationship, you have resorted to
"spying" on your wife. Whatever is going on, your behavior is falling
into dangerously deceptive territory. You are fast becoming the kind
of person you do not like! Do not let this happen.
Trust has been broken by both of you at this point
in your marriage. Do not fool yourself into believing that the means
justifies the ends. What are the reasons for this? Ask your wife to
tell you what is going on with her. Let her know that you have resorted
to using a computer program to "spy" on her and that you are distressed
by your own actions. Apologize and request that she consult with a
marriage counselor about the current state of your marriage.
This is not a question of whether or not your wife
is "happy" with you. It is a matter of honesty. Without honesty there
is no trust. Without trust there is no intimacy in the marriage. Your
marriage is clearly in trouble, whether or not your wife proclaims
to be "happy". Clearly, you are greatly disturbed by what is going
on. State your own unhappiness clearly and seek help to unravel the
reasons for your emotional distance from one another. Perhaps with
help and guidance, you will be able to create a safe place to begin
repairing the damage.
Seek to understand what has led you to this place,
rather than getting caught up in becoming a detective in your marriage.
This kind of "sleuthing" will lead only to more deception and loss
of your own self-respect. You are in the process of becoming what
you most detest.
If you lose your marriage, you will experience sadness
and great disappointment, but you will heal. If however, you forfeit
your own integrity in the process of being married, you may never
recover.
