QUESTION: My husband has three female
friends in my hometown. When we go to visit my family he goes to visit
them, and they usually spend at least one night out. I am feeling
jealous and left out. I know in my heart that they are only friends
and that he would never cheat on me, but I just can't seem to accept
it. He knows it bothers me, but he still sees them. When I tell him
how I feel, it seems as if I don't trust him, but I do. I resent the
fact that he's out with other women and I'm not there.
ANSWER: Healthy marriages include supportive
friendships for each spouse with other women and men. Outside support
is necessary, for the marriage to flourish rather than become overloaded
or stale. However these relationships should not feel threatening
to either one of you. If these relationships do feel threatening to
you, continue to dialogue about it. Explore your fears and fantasies
together. And seek to come up with boundaries that you feel include
you as a special person in his life, while respecting one another's
need for independent relationships that do not threaten your marriage.
Explore also whether you feel left out in any other
ways in your marriage. It is possible that your feelings of jealousy
about this situation are an expression of feeling left out of other
important aspects of your husband's life. Or it may be the case that
you resent that your husband has a separate past, which included friendships
before you met him. Visits home provide opportunity to reconnect to
relationships he had when he was single. If you do not maintain friendship
connections forged prior to your marriage, your envy may involve a
reflection of this difference between the two of you.
It is natural for you to have some feelings of jealousy
about women your husband is friendly with, and it is important to
talk about it, which you are doing. So far so good. But, more than
just knowing you can include yourself, you may need your husband's
reassurance as well. You may need to hear him express to you, in words,
that though he enjoys his friendships with other women, he by no means
wants anyone but you for his wife!
Nothing can replace the connection felt and kept alive
by appreciative communication. You may "know" your husband loves you
and would not cheat on you. But does he tell you that you are special
to him? Does he understand and empathize with your feelings, or merely
resent them? If he is able to hear you, reassure you and include you,
your couples' bond will be strong and secure. But you must also be
empathetic to his experience, as well.
Instead of trying to mind read your husband's feelings
about including you, ask him about his feelings. Establish a safe
atmosphere for open sharing and discussion. Do not interpret one another's
responses as rejection, but simply listen and try to understand the
meaning of these relationships to him, and the meaning his friendships
hold for you. Does he resent including you with these friends? If
he does feel this way, ask him why he wants to experience these relationships
separately. And do talk about your feelings of inclusion and exclusion.
Perhaps the two of you have not fully talked out the boundaries and
feelings around friendships in the marriage. This could be especially
true if you do not have independent friendships at home, and this
situation only occurs when you are visiting relatives.
You may find you can grow closer by discussing your
feelings, rather than simply trying to change them. Strengthen your
couples' bond through increasing understanding and empathy for one
another's experience. Therein lies the key to success in a marriage!
The resolution to your problem will evolve out of your heightened
connection and open sharing. Through understanding one another, you
may discover a natural shift in your feelings does indeed take place.
Perhaps your husband will feel just a bit flattered by your jealousy,
rather than disturbed by your feelings. And you may find yourself
enjoying the fact that he has chosen you, rather than excluded you!
Perhaps the next time you visit, you can invite your
husband and his friends to dinner. Try a proactive approach and use
the next visit as an opportunity to build relationships that include
you in your husband's life!
