QUESTION: My husband won't talk out
any problems. He won't argue with me, he just walks out. I think he
feels as long as nothing is said-there is "no"problem. We have been
married a long time and have our only child still at home. (He is
21) My husband and I spend a lot of time in different parts of the
house and have almost no shared interests. He lets me do anything
I want, buy anything I want, and is very generous in many ways. Maybe
you are by now asking, What is the problem? Well, it just seems as
tho there should be more to life than this. Give me some ideas or
answers if you have any.
ANSWER: Successful negotiation is a
vital part of a healthy intimate relationship. Your husband is avoiding
negotiating with you. But you and your husband created this pattern
of avoidance together over the years. It is probable that neither
one of you had experience which caused you to believe that a couple
could successfully resolve conflict without destruction. So you may
have colluded to side-step tense interactions which set up a pattern
of separate living. What you thought was in the best interests of
the marriage in keeping it safe from conflict has actually contributed
to loneliness and dissatisfaction. Often it is more painful to experience
loneliness with someone, rather than loneliness resulting from being
truly alone.
You may be mistaking "getting your way" about small
things for satisfaction in your marriage. Obviously this is not the
case. The amount of personal space your husband affords you may have
felt pleasant to you when you were younger, but now you crave intimacy
rather than freedom from conflict.
It is possible that you were initially attracted to
your spouse because of the very traits that disturb you now. Did you
come from a family in which marital conflict was upsetting to you
as a child? If so, you may have chosen your husband for the peace
and calmness his avoidance of conflict meant to you in your younger
years together. Or you may be following the role model of one of your
parents in recreating a similar pattern of avoidance in the marriage
that was also true in your parents' relationship. Patterns in your
husband's family may also contribute. He may be either modeling or
reacting to similar patterns of dealing with conflict that he experienced
in his childhood.
Both you and your husband have neglected the relationship
to some extent by not developing shared interests or activities. Perhaps
this was satisfactory to you when your child was growing up, as it
gave the two of you a focal point to share in the family. However,
now that your child is an adult, you and your husband are facing your
relationship and reevaluating what is there. It is natural for you
to do so at this time. It is also important to assess whether your
adult child is being held back from leaving the two of you because
of an unconscious responsibility to hold your marriage together. Sometimes
only or youngest children who do not leave home as adults feel a sense
of their role in the family is to keep the parents' marriage together.
This kind of subliminal pressure to keep the family "intact" can hold
them back from developing their separate lives.
Your marriage needs serious attention right now. Let
your husband know that you love him, but that your needs have changed
in the relationship. Acknowledge your shared contribution to developing
patterns of communication and interaction that created distance instead
of closeness over the years. And point out to him that the two of
you are at a crucial stage in your marriage because you no longer
are raising a child together.
Your marriage needs development at this stage! Begin
to focus on it, water it, and address the elements from your family
of origins that have influenced your behaviors with one another. This
can become a time of tremendous growth. You have lived many years
together, sharing life side by side. This certainly accounts for something!
You are no doubt deeply bonded and may be very committed to each other.
So it is now time to really get to know the other again.
Focus your energies on forging new patterns that include
the ability and tools to successfully negotiate. Communication will
allow you to have the tension in the relationship that promotes connection
rather than separation. When you are no longer afraid of conflict,
you will find that your partnership warms up. Working through conflict
with respect allows you to unleash passion safely. And this is the
key to closeness and intimacy. Develop your skills for dealing with
the expression of anger in your relationship and you will find that
your feelings of warmth, affection and love are also released in the
marriage. Right now you are maximizing peace at the price of deadening
the marriage. You need to come to a middle ground where tension is
tolerated and can be transformed rather than avoided.
Seek support in the form of marriage seminars or group
support for exploring intimacy in your partnership through community
resources. Make your marriage the central focus. Develop activities
and explore new interests together. You may find each other and your
child may find his own living quarters!
