QUESTION: My husband & I have been
married 6 1/2 years and we have a 4 year old son. Before our son was
born we did a lot of things together and spent a lot of time with
each other. After he was born I quit work to stay home with him. It
was very hard financially but seemed worth it to be able to take care
of our son. I can admit when our son was small I wasn't as attentive
to my husband and he seemed to spend more time on his computer. It
hurt that we didn't spend as much time together and I built a wall
inside myself so I wouldn't feel the hurt of neglect and he must have
done the same.
Well, about 6 months ago we became friends with
a couple, they are not married and have no children. We really liked
them and they enjoyed being with us and our son. We really started
to do a lot more things but it seemed it was always with this other
couple.
About 2 months ago my husband told me he wasn't
happy and was thinking of leaving to have some time to think. I kept
asking him why and all he would tell me was we had grown apart. After
hours of arguing he told me he might have feelings for someone else.
I was so hurt. I knew who he was talking about. It was the girl we
had become friends with. I had a feeling this may have been coming.
He said he felt he could talk to this girl and she seemed to understand
him. He said all they did was talk and I believe him. He always came
home right after work and never went anywhere without me so I have
no reason not to believe him.
After 2 days of crying and talking he said he
wanted to stay and work things out. He confused his feeling of friendship
with this girl into thinking it may have been more. But it wasn't.
His best friend was killed 9 months earlier and he had been seeking
something to replace the loss or to help him find answers why it all
happened. She told me she never had any feelings but friendship for
my husband, she did not want to hurt our friendship or me, and seemed
very sorry any of this ever happened.
ANSWER: It appears that you and your
husband are getting back on track with one another following the huge
transition that parenthood brings to your relationship. The loss of
personal freedom and spontaneous time and energy to connect as a couple
is real. These changes compounded with the death of his friend may
have triggered your husband's extreme behavior.
You are now finding the time to talk again which is
essential to the health of your marriage. Now that your child is 4
years old, it may be possible to carve out some needed couples' time
together. Your relationship is the garden that nourishes your son.
By taking consistent quality time for each other, you strengthen the
security of the family for his future.
Your husband needs someone to talk to, and it should
be you. He may also need others to share feelings with at this time,
but they should not take the place of primary sharing with you. Your
husband made a mistake in bringing his deepest feelings elsewhere,
and further mistaking understanding for love. His confusion seems
real and this crisis appears to have brought the two of you together
rather than apart!
Your husband needs to grieve the loss of his friend,
but this may also be confused with the other losses he has experienced
when he became a father. Perhaps the loss of his friend also symbolized
a period in his life when he was younger and free of responsibilities
of any kind. It will be important for your husband to sort through
his feelings for his friend and understand for himself what is lost.
There will be times of pain and growth in your life
together that one or the other of you will need listening and understanding.
Perhaps this is a period of time for your spouse that requires special
attention and care. Ask your husband if he feels you have been a good
listener. If not, why? Work to develop your relationship to include
some of the release he experienced in talking with your friend. This
is an opportunity to fortify your bond to one another and recommit
to a friendship.
The good news is that you have an opportunity to find
out where your relationship got off track without significant damage.
Make a vow to each other That in the future, if things feel disconnected
for either one of you in the marriage, that communication will precede
ideas of action. Creating this resolution could go a long way in establishing
a learning experience out of what has ensued!
