QUESTION: My husband and I have been
married for almost 5 years, we have two children ages 4 and 2. The
problem is that there is a secretary where he works that he is very
close with. She is married and also has two older children. It seems
that he is closer to her than to me. It seems that he has to always
be in contact with her and that she always knows what is going on
in our life i.e. if we are fighting or having a disagreement.
If I am at work late (9p.m.) and he picks up
the kids he goes over to her house to visit for a while, and I usually
end up getting home before him. He sometimes gets home just before
midnight, because they got to talking and lost track of time. Rarely
is he ever home before me anymore. I know that nothing physical is
going on between either of them. Their closeness is really causing
a lot of problems between us, I know I am jealous of their relationship.
He says I exclude myself because of my jealousy. I always feel like
I am on the outside and that all of our problems are my fault..
It seems that if her and I were to have a problem
at the same time he would help her first then help me when he got
around to it. I think that he should do a little more to spend time
with me and the kids. I don't know what I can do to get our closeness
back, I don't feel that I can talk to him because I fear that he will
tell her everything I say about her, or the problems I have with her?
ANSWER: Your husband is having an emotional
affair with his secretary which is draining energy from your marriage.
You are jealous of the emotional connection he has with another woman
because it is this emotional relatedness and not sex, that is the
real crux of intimacy.
This is a critical phase in the development of your
marriage. After 5 years together and two children, it is natural that
you might need to work through some things. But to do so, the two
of you need to direct your main energies towards each other. Ask your
husband to curtail his relationship with his secretary and confine
it to business. Tell him you want to be the one with whom he shares
his most intimate feelings and confidences. It is also important to
maintain boundaries which protect not only the marriage, but your
personal life. Talking about your marital disagreements with his secretary
undermines your privacy. And it takes the energy away from your relationship
that is necessary to solve marital conflict.
Your husband's behavior is not your fault! If he is
having difficulty feeling connected to you, it is his job to express
these needs in the context of your marriage. And it is your job to
listen and to consider his needs. But this is teamwork, not the responsibility
of one person, and marriage is a two way street. All marriages undergo
some struggle and yours may be no exception. But working through these
struggles requires communication of needs and boundaries. Your husband's
current relationship with his secretary violates both.
It is often the case that women feel emotionally responsible
for family relationships due to cultural messages, particularly when
we become mothers. Men, too may subliminally feel entitled to obtain
other relationships with woman when they feel emotionally hurt or
deprived in their marriage. A husband may suggest through his behavior
that the woman is culpable for his problems. This can result in a
man's justification for emotional or sexual affairs. A woman who believes
she is responsible for his actions, remains in a bad situation out
of guilt. This creates a downward spiral in self esteem and marital
satisfaction. Unfortunately, many women get depressed, instead of
angry.
It is not too late to take a deeper and honest look
at your marriage together. What is missing? Why isn't your husband
bringing his concerns to you instead of his secretary? What is the
nature of your communication and your emotional connection to one
another? What do you need from one another? Are you getting it? If
not, what can be done to improve your relationship?
Perhaps your marriage has gone untended by the two
of you, and it seems easier to your husband to relax in a neighbor's
garden down the street, rather than pull up the weeds and get down
to the business of landscaping his own backyard. But this path of
least resistance has a cost. And you are feeling the neglect of an
undernourished garden. It is also likely your children are experiencing
confusion about what is happening in the family. They will soon begin
to wonder why they are not doing more things with Mom and Dad together,
instead of the secretary.
This situation benefits only your husband in the short
run. But the whole family suffers in the long run if the two of you
do not get your relationship back on track. Have a discussion with
your husband about the seriousness of the current circumstances. At
the very least his behavior is eroding your self esteem. But at worst
it is putting your marriage and family in jeopardy. Is this what he
wants? If not, there is work to be done at home!
