QUESTION: I've been married to
my husband for 12 years. It's beginning to feel like 12 loooong years.
I work full time and we have two boys, aged 9 and 6 and a half.
My problem, is that my husband does not want
me to run for election to the school board this year. He claims it
takes up too much time. It does take up time - an average of 7 hours
per week over my full-time job. I love doing it. I mean I really enjoy
it. He works shift work and is heavily involved in the politics of
the union where here works. I don't begrudge that at all. We went
through a very long and bitter labour dispute a few years ago and
I understand the importance of the union. My issue is why must I give
up what I love.
ANSWER: Your husband's unwillingness
to communicate with you is damaging your marriage. However, his intent
and declaration that he will sabotage your dreams is even more destructive.
Such behavior is deeply wounding to a spouse and borders on betrayal.
If he continues to threaten the marriage in this way, it may be difficult
if not impossible to repair the damage. If he continues to block communication
on this subject, write him a letter expressing your feelings, including
your expectations for the marriage to hold space for your development.
Perhaps your husband is jealous of your success. Or
perhaps he is mired in traditional gender role expectations and feels
threatened by your emerging power in the community. Tell him you are
open to discussing any feelings, but that his behavior is causing
you to lose respect for his ability to play fair. Let him know that
his behavior is causing you to question whether he has your best interests
at heart, which is one dimension of love. Marriage is a two way street.
Point out the ways you have supported his dreams whether or not he
has achieved them.
Be open to his feelings and concerns regarding the
effect of your running for office on your family, but require a discussion
about possible solutions, rather than a power struggle. Be willing
to discuss the impact that time involved in your political endeavor
would have. Ask him to contribute to problem solving related to your
deep desires that need expression at this time. Ask him what he sees
as his and the children's needs in the family. And be willing to consider
the possibility of compromise (such as the CGA course) at this time
in order to fit time in for that which you love, if it is necessary.
But simultaneously, remind your husband that a healthy and enduring
marriage is based on "quid quo pro" which is a legal term used to
describe the feeling of fairness inherent in a contract. If you feel
that the last twelve years of the marriage have meant far more sacrifice
for you than for him, your intimacy is already at risk. Intimacy and
mutual love flourishes under a sense of fairness and equality. If
your husband is able to see his way clear to supporting your deepest
desire through problem solving and compromise, he will benefit from
the growth of affection you will have for him.
Marriage is a contract between two people. Communication
is essential to problem solving. If your husband continues to sabotage
you by telling your friends not to vote for you, he is undermining
the marriage. Such undermining and inability to communicate, discuss
and solve problems is the major reason couples divorce.
Take your feelings seriously. Seek professional counseling
if necessary to clearly get the message across to your husband that
his method of thwarting you is destructive to everyone. Consider your
requirements for the marriage as well. It is easy for women to set
their own needs aside when they become mothers. And very often, husbands,
too, expect mothers to come last.
Your depression and your desire to get away from your
husband at this point may be a sign that your marriage is at an impasse
because of a deeper struggle over control and power. Perhaps the success
of your marriage has operated on the premise that you do not enjoy
equal opportunity for self-development. If this is the case, your
marriage may need some serious readjustment. But such realignment,
if needed, could prove beneficial not only to you, but to all family
members.
Remind your husband that the task of family is to
nurture the development of all its members! Naturally this involves
negotiation and compromise. But mothers, too are members who need
their dreams acknowledged and supported in some manner which will
allow them to grow as individuals. This kind of nurturing one another
is what causes tenderness, love and appreciation to flourish in relationships.
Encourage your husband to see the value that your
happiness will bring the family. How can the two of you work together
as a team on this problem? Is there a possibility that your running
for office can become a family endeavor which builds closeness rather
than division. You should be able to expect your family to contribute
to your growth and be happy and proud for your opportunities for success.
Is your husband missing the forest for the trees? Or can he visualize
the positive potential for family involvement and excitement that
your running for office could mean? After all, isn't cooperation and
mutual support for growth and development the true spirit of what
family is all about!
