QUESTION: I have a few problems. I
have been recently married, and an ex-boyfriend has been harassing
me; he's been flooding me with email, calling my former employer,
harassing my mother, etc. I have chosen to just ignore him completely
(he doesn't have a phone number or address, and lives in a different
country). The problem I do have is with my husband. He is greatly
disturbed by all of this, and has gone so far as to accuse me of lying
both to him and the ex about where my position in both relationships
are. My husband won't even let me read my email without him standing
behind me, perhaps to confirm my alleged 'lying'. I'm not sure how
to reaffirm my loyalty, per se, to my husband.
The other problem I have is with my husband's
temper. He seems to blow up at the smallest things, and he loses his
head without stopping to think about it first. And, more frighteningly,
this has led to violence. For instance, when one of my kittens hissed
at his dog, he set out to torment that kitten for a half hour, dousing
the poor beast in water, chasing him around the house, and even kicking
him.
This brings up another issue: I'm jealous of
his dog. His dog sometimes seems to mean more to him than I do. Aside
from never being reprimanded for eating food from the table, etc.,
he allows him to sit on the couch (it's a golden retriever) and sleep
in the bed with us, pushing me out, even though he knows how I feel
about it.
ANSWER: Your husband's behavior seems
to parallel the kind of obsession and lack of boundaries that your
ex-boyfriend is showing. Perhaps you are mistaking feeling pursued
for feeling loved. Both of these men appear to view you as an acquisition
rather than a person.
What attracts you to men who would so devalue you?
What are your requirements in a relationship? Certainly an atmosphere
of safety is basic to growth and development of any individual or
marriage. Pay attention to your feelings of intimidation in the relationship.
You should not be tolerating behavior which frightens you in any way.
Fear and intimidation are signals that your relationship is based
on control rather than love. Perhaps this was the case in your childhood
relationships, so it feels familiar to you. Or you may have felt so
neglected that even negative attention feels better than none!
Your own lack of self esteem may render you vulnerable
to defining your worth through a man's pursuit of you. Begin a path
of self exploration. Individual therapy or support groups may help
you identify what your needs are in relationship as well as help you
to define yourself outside of the parameters of your relationship
to men. Your own self esteem and worth needs to be based on a clear
and loving sense of yourself. Strengthen your relationship to yourself.
Find out more about who you are, what interests you want to develop,
what your special talents are and what you offer, as well as need
from a relationship. This will help you to fortify your self esteem
which will provide guidance for you in your marriage relationship,
particularly with regard to setting boundaries with your husband about
the parts of his behavior that are devaluing, invasive or frightening
to you.
Not addressing your husband's "temper" gives him the
message that his behavior is acceptable to you. In fact, it should
not be. Cruelty to animals is considered a crime in some states (such
as California). Clearly our society considers violence to animals
over the line. Why should it be acceptable in your relationship? Low
self-esteem is the main reason you would tolerate this situation.
No doubt your husband's self esteem is also severely damaged. He cannot
feel pride about having to resort to the behavior you describe. Loss
of self control builds a reservoir of shame. His sense of powerlessness
to affect the situation positively does not engender respect or build
esteem, either internally or in his relationship experience with others.
His loss of control only reinforces a poor self image.
Require that your spouse focus on his inability to
have discussions calmly. Offer him as well as yourself an opportunity
for a viable marriage. Without the ability to negotiate conflict in
the marriage, your relationship may be doomed. Walking away from a
discussion may be necessary, if it is the only way to avoid violence.
However it is not the answer. Developing communication skills and
the self esteem necessary to explore differences is a must!
Express to your husband the things about him that
you do love, but let him know that his behavior is frightening to
you and that you want him to get professional help addressing his
"temper" before it destroys the relationship. The violent acting out
behavior must stop. It is not only damaging to your relationship,
it is undermining to his own self worth, too. He owes it to himself
to improve his ability to handle stress as well as to you. If he can
hear you, you have a chance at developing a healing relationship.
If he cannot, the signals of violence should be taken seriously as
a sign for potential escalation towards you in the future. Your safety
needs to be a first priority before you can develop or enjoy a healthy
relationship! Fear has no place in your marriage.
