QUESTION: Two of my children's friends
that I am very close to are getting married. One is Jewish and the
other Baptist. They really want to have their act together around
raising kids and also talking to their respective families. Is it
possible to blend these two cultures? What advice can I give them?
ANSWER: In my clinical practice, I have
known couples who come up with a blend of a variety of rituals and
religious celebrations that they both enjoy and participate in with
their children, without conflict. I have also known couples who feel
isolated and alienated from one another in their cultural and religious
differences. The key seems to lie in the couples ability to truly
share the rituals of the other and participate, instead of merely
tolerate such differences.
There are positive benefits to blending different
cultural and spiritual paths. What is decided in terms family rituals
and religious education will be determined by the parents themselves.
There are no formulas for success in blending religions within the
family. However it will be necessary for the couple to identify what
is important to them in this regard and check out with one another
what their partnership can embrace.
It is critical that the differences become a part
of the very fabric of the family life. Marriage is the birth of a
new family system which must incorporate and respect the beliefs and
traditions of two different religious and cultural backgrounds. The
task of this phase of the family life cycle is for the couple to establish
their own unique rituals, traditions and shared values. It will be
the values that hold the beliefs of both of their backgrounds in some
way.
You might want to talk to your friends about identifing
what these shared values are and how it is addressed in each of their
religious/cultural systems. Ask them to imagine the year ahead of
them. Identify what rituals and traditions they will celebrate together
and how. How will having children be incorporated into these traditions?
For example, one Jewish/Protestant couple in my private
practice are raising their two children celebrating both Christmas
and Hanukkah. They plan on a bar mitzvah and bas mitzvah when their
children reach the age of 13, the Jewish ceremony for entering beginning
adulthood for young men and women. However, exactly how this occurs
may in fact be adjusted by the family, as in the case of a friend
of mine, whose son did not attend the traditional Hebrew schooling
in preparation for his bar mitzvah. But in the spirit true to the
bar mitzvah, he gave a speech on entering manhood and the meaning
it held for him and his family in the community. A Rabbi led the ceremony
and a celebration of food and dancing followed. The prayer shawl of
his father's family was passed onto to him, with his grandparents
looking on. Tradition changed, but the connection between generations
remained true to spirit, though not strictly to form.
Alienation can happen when family members adopt their
own rituals which are not shared between them. This can lead to feelings
of being misunderstood at a deeply emotional or spiritual level. When
couples feel that they are not sharing these important processes with
one another they grow apart instead of together.
In the case of your friends, however, there seems
to be an intent to respect and handle these very important aspects
of family life. Encourage their openness to one another in creating
a blend of their two spiritual paths. This may include inventing their
own versions of the rituals and traditions they each grew up with,
as well as educating their partner to the philosophy, beliefs and
rituals practiced by their respective families. This will provide
an opportunity for deepening their understanding and appreciation
of the other, as well as become acquainted with a whole new way of
experiencing the world. Each could benefit from taking their partner
to church and synagogue and other family functions that celebrate
their religious background, so that it can be experienced first hand
by the partner who may be unfamiliar with this world view. Afterwards,
be sure to debrief with one another, identifying what was hard, what
was enjoyable or emotionally moving. This should give them some flavor
for what they will be able to embrace and share together.
After each has become acquainted with the religious
orientation and values of the other, and considered how they would
bring this to their children in family life, arrange meetings with
both sets of parents to share views, ideas and perhaps even solicit
input if they are open to doing so and supportive of the couples bond.
The underlying value of any blend of religion and
culture will be in the personal meaning it holds for the family. And
the extent to which such blending promotes bonding in family relationships
will determine its viability, whether tradition is strictly adhered
to, or uniquely altered.
