QUESTION: My husband and I have been
married for over five years. We have a five-year-old daughter, a house
in the suburbs and everyone thinks we are the world's happiest couple.
But we have grown apart over the years. My chief complaint is that
my husband takes no initiative in anything, including housework, financial
management or caretaking of our daughter. I just can't continue being
his "mother." I love him very much, but I am constantly miserable.
Do I pursue ending the relationship or tough it out?
ANSWER: You and your husband have established
a relationship in which you seem to be the decision-maker in most
areas. No wonder you are feeling like you are his mother, too.
Your stress is no doubt a result of feeling alone
and overburdened with the adult responsibilities in your marriage.
You have lost respect for your husband. And your self-esteem is no
doubt lagging, too. Your misery and stress will continue to wear you
down and deteriorate your marriage -- and perhaps even your health
-- if things do not change.
Recent research by Robert Levinson at the University
of California in Berkeley has found that women who stay in unhappy
marriages have greater incidence of health problems, while men who
are married stay healthier regardless of whether the marriage is experienced
as happy or not. Perhaps this is due to the greater sense of emotional
responsibility that women experience for the emotional health of family
relationships.
So, yes, you should take your constant stress and
misery seriously and consider leaving the marriage if you cannot get
through to your husband. But first, open a heart-to-heart dialogue
with your spouse about your feelings before throwing in the towel!
Although it is likely that you have complained to
your spouse about his lack of initiative, you may need to be clear
that unless something changes, you do not see yourself staying married
to him. Ask him to go to marital counseling before calling it quits.
Counseling will likely bring the situation into a
reality focus for him and for you. And if you do end up leaving the
marriage, you will need time, and perhaps guidance, to do so in a
way that assures a continuous relationship between your daughter and
her father.
Take your time to evaluate the marriage and look ahead
to the future. Clarify what you need in a partner and work to address
your needs within the marriage. Get help to let go of the mothering
role in your relationship, whether or not your husband has yet relinquished
his role as a son. Ask your husband to consider how his life will
change if you are not married. Being single would cause him to make
his own decisions and initiate a primary relationship with his daughter,
for starters. If he sees this reality, he may choose to grow now,
rather than later.
When respect and partnership are not forthcoming in
marriage, passion and friendship wither. Let your husband know that
you need him to be your partner, not your son, if your marriage is
to remain viable.
