QUESTION: I am a divorced mother of
three (grade schoolers) and just started dating a wonderful new man.
Are the holidays a good time for him to meet my family and join in
our family traditions?
ANSWER: Strike a balance between including
this new man in your life in a manner that is natural at this point
in the relationship and thrusting him into the center of your family's
holiday activities. You will need to evaluate the pros and cons inherent
in this situation, to decide on what is the right balance for contact
between your new relationship and your family.
First, consider the potential downside that too much
too soon could a negative impact on your budding relationship and
on your relationship with your children. Because you are just getting
to know one another, you cannot predict whether he will feel overwhelmed
or pleased about the experience of being included in family rituals.
Likewise you cannot be certain whether your children will feel his
presence as an intrusion, or a welcome stimulation to your family's
interactions at this time. Negative experiences could get relationships
off to a poor start. It is not usually a good idea to prematurely
include a new, unknown person in the family's most intimate rituals.
You should also consider the positive side of acquainting
him with your family in some appropriate way at this time. The holidays,
though enjoyable, can also be stressful. A certain amount of stress
can give you feedback about the character of this new man and the
ways he may be compatible (or not!) with your family's traditions.
Sharing the holidays to some extent may cause the two of you to grow
closer, or realize that the relationship does not have a future.
Gather feedback from your children about how they
feel about meeting this new man. If all parties are open to the idea,
consider a separate outing or lunch together to introduce him. Observe
how this meeting goes and make your decisions about the holidays accordingly.
Consider your own desires and your new friend's feelings, too.
Do take caution, however, that if things go exceedingly
well and everyone is positive about the meeting, this is not a signal
to jump in with both feet. Retain intimate family boundaries around
special family time over the holidays. Consider smaller opportunities
around these events to ensure gradual, rather than precipitous involvement
in your children's lives.
Rather than inviting your new friend to all the family
rituals, consider having him for the tree trimming before Christmas,
but not for Christmas morning gift sharing. You might contemplate
including him in a new family holiday event for this year, such as
going to see a Christmas play or movie. In this way, you are introducing
him into the periphery of your family's life, without altering core
family traditions.
It is natural for you to continue to date through
the holiday period, with some adjustments for family life. Pay attention
to your instincts, gather feedback from your children and your new
beau, but remember that you are the leader of the family. Reserve
the right to make the decisions that you find to be in the best interests
of yourself and your children.
