QUESTION: I have been married to my
second husband for four years. I love him and he is good to me and
our children. I don't want out of my marriage, but I am incredibly
bored! I don't have any sexual desire for my husband. There is another
man that I daydream about constantly. It is only a matter of time
until I have the opportunity to fulfill my fantasy. I don't want to
hurt my husband, but I want to feel desired again. Should I have an
affair?
ANSWER: You may compartmentalize sex
and love separately. The answer to this dilemma lies in developing
greater intimacy in your marriage, rather than having an affair. Reach
out to your husband: Don't pull away.
It is possible that you are running away from something
other than your marriage. Is your marriage really the cause of your
boredom? Or are you lacking excitement in your life and pinning it
entirely on your relationship? Could it be that you are looking for
sex to titillate you out of a much deeper depression?
Boredom is often a symptom of depression caused by
a lack of personal development. Are you creating challenges in other
areas of your life, such as work or friendships? It is possible that
you are putting all of your needs for excitement into the sexual basket
and avoiding challenges in other significant areas of your personal
life that need change. You may also legitimately crave love and feel
a strong need to be special to your spouse. If so, your husband needs
to hear from you. Your marriage deserves the opportunity to be enlivened
by the needs you each have of the other, rather than deadened by withdrawal.
Your daydreaming is draining the energy from your
relationship with your husband and getting you nowhere. Begin by bringing
your needs to your spouse. Let him know that you need more excitement
in your marriage. Be willing to talk about sex, but do not stop there.
Explore what your fantasy represents. What is the emotional meaning
of having sex with this other man? Do you feel you will finally be
loved and cherished? Does he symbolize something that is missing in
your marriage? Use this knowledge to address and revitalize the relationship
with your husband.
You love your husband, and you see him as a good father,
too. Perhaps you have kept your sexuality apart from qualities of
nurturing in your relationships. This can sometimes occur when very
early needs for nurturing were not met in childhood. The child part
of us wants nurturing, but this part may not be integrated with mature
sexual expression. We feel we cannot have both in one relationship.
You say you want to be desired again, but it is you who have withdrawn
your sexuality from your spouse.
The fact that you find him so utterly unattractive
at this time is suspicious by itself. And your fantasizing is definitely
an escape from dealing with reality!
If you experienced retaliation when you expressed
your needs as a child, or did not get your needs for love answered,
you may be projecting this outcome onto your marriage. Open dialogue
with your husband about your unhappiness. Consider individual counseling
to help you get to the roots of your feelings rather than allow your
passions to destroy your relationships. If your husband is unresponsive
to your needs, seek couples' counseling to help the two of you define
what you want in your marriage and evaluate whether you can get it
from each other, before sabotaging your family relationships.
This is your second marriage. Perhaps your first was
exciting, but abusive. If so, it is not unusual for the next relationship
to appear dull without all of the high drama. Regardless, there is
something much deeper going on here. Find out what it is before your
daydreams turn into one big nightmare.
