QUESTION: I have been married for
eight years and have always believed my husband has not gotten over
his ex-wife. They divorced about 12 years ago but have two daughters
together. I have heard him on the phone with her being bubbly and
very intimate -- discussing things he would never discuss with me.
He has low self-esteem and I think that he respects her because she
left him. Does that make sense? We have discussed this issue many
times and he keeps telling me he doesn't love her, but his actions
prove otherwise. Please advise.
ANSWER: Your husband is sharing emotional
issues with his ex-wife that he should be sharing with you. This kind
of triangulation is no doubt an old pattern and one that undermines
any marriage. No wonder you are upset!
Your belief that your husband respects his ex-wife
because she left him not only makes "sense", but is a likely accurate
assessment. He may indeed be devaluing you because he disrespects
himself. Although his low self-esteem is no excuse for neglecting
his current marriage, this may not be the whole picture, but only
a part of what is wrong in your relationship.
Your own self-esteem is also important to consider
at this point. We depend on our primary relationships to accurately
reflect who we are as people. Your tolerance of your spouse's treatment
of you these past eight years may mean that your own self-worth coming
into the relationship was poor.
Also, consider the possibility that there exists an
intimacy gap in your marriage that has allowed room for this emotional
affair with his ex-spouse. Again, this does not excuse his behavior,
which is a significant factor in the deterioration of your marriage.
Still, your own low self-esteem, your mutual avoidance of intimacy
or lack of problem solving in your marriage could have also contributed
to your current marital demise. Whatever the reasons, you now feel
that you want more. Good for you! This is a sign of healthy self-esteem
on your part.
Start by setting up a time to talk with your husband
in a relaxed setting, without potential for interruptions. Let him
know that you want to have a serious talk about your marriage relationship.
Spend some time preparing for this discussion by writing down your
experience of the last eight years of marriage. Were things always
this way? Was there a time when the two of you shared your feelings
more intimately? When did your emotional connection begin to change?
What effect did having children bring to your relationship? How have
you handled the challenges of becoming a stepfamily?
Share your experience of the history of your relationship
with your spouse. Ask him for his views and experience on when and
how things may have changed since the beginning of your relationship.
By taking time to carefully consider your history together, you are
moving the spotlight to your own marriage, rather than continuing
the focus on his ex-wife. This will set the stage for intimacy between
you without triangulating a third person which distracts from you
focus on each other. Consider also, whether triangles were a part
of either of your parents' marriages. It is also possible to learn
destructive relationship patterns or tolerate them because of past
familiarity in childhood.
Although your husband does need to have a co-parenting
relationship with his ex, let him know that his "secrets" with her
are undermining his intimacy with you. Direct your focus to the heart
of the relationship between the two of you. Explore what has happened,
what has gone awry, and what you are missing from him. What is it
he wants from marriage? What do you want? Consider seeking the help
of a professional couples' counselor to further guide your exploration.
Give your relationship a chance by clearly communicating
the fact to your husband that your marriage is in trouble. It is not
an issue of love, but of a shared vision for your marriage. Ask him
in earnest whether he wants to save this marriage!
