QUESTION: After having our second
son, I had my tubes tied, at my husband's request. I was twenty-four.
At first it didn't bother me -- I could reason that it was a smart
choice. As time passes, I feel that I've made the biggest mistake
of my life. The desire to have another child is so overwhelming that
I cannot even hold anyone else's newborn without physically aching.
My husband is insensitive to the pain this is causing me. It has affected
our sex life, although he doesn't know this is the reason I'm uninterested.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life angry with my husband. Does
it get any easier?
ANSWER: It seems unfair to assume your
husband is "insensitive" when you have done nothing to communicate
your feelings to him except to stop having sex. You were a participant
in the decision to have your tubes tied and now regret it. Your pain
and anguish at recognizing your "mistake" is understandable. But blaming
your husband is not only unfair but can lead you down a path of marital
troubles to boot!
Consider the fact that you, too, thought your decision
to be a "smart choice". For whatever reasons, you were not able to
predict your future reaction or the pain it would cause you. If you
could not foretell the extent of your own distress, how is it that
you expect your husband to take responsibility for your resulting
emotional agony?
It is heartbreaking for you to discover that you may
not have made the right choice for yourself. This was a significant
life decision. No wonder you are upset! Still, reflect on your own
actions. Perhaps you desired to "please" your husband, but this was
still your choice. Take responsibility for your own choices and any
mistakes you made about your own readiness to have a tubal ligation.
Depth of character is not built from making only "perfect" decisions,
but on how we choose to face our own mistakes.
It is all right to grieve the decision you made, and
it is even possible to consider the potential to reverse the operation,
or look into other ways you might be able to become pregnant with
your husband's participation. But first, you need to be able to express
your feelings honestly to your spouse and without blaming him for
agreements you made together.
It is possible there is something very important to
learn from this experience, not only about yourself, but about your
decision-making process in your marriage. If you feel your husband
overwhelms you with his needs, or is unwilling to listen to you and
work together as a team, this is a wake-up call for your relationship.
Identify whether he steamrolls you, and/or whether you like to "go
along" with decisions he makes because you do not want to feel responsible
if something goes awry!
Talk with your husband about your feelings, now, and
trace the steps of your decision-making process that occurred in your
marriage before the operation. How thoroughly did you explore this
important life decision? Did you research and discuss all of the options
-- the pros, cons and possibilities of wanting more children in the
future for any number of reasons, including loss of a child or remarriage?
Did you and your husband consider that he get a vasectomy and freeze
some of his sperm? Why did you choose to have a tubal ligation, when
this is (usually) considered a more difficult operation than a vasectomy
and possibly less reversible?
Evaluate your decision-making process with an eye
towards improvement. Having in-depth discussions may have offered
other options you neglected to consider together. Problem solving
this situation cannot take place if you are unwilling to share your
feelings.
Seek the support of your husband through this very
trying time. Admit your feelings, but do not scapegoat him for your
pain. You have made one precipitous decision that has resulted in
regrets. Do not make another mistake. Your pain will not get any "easier"
by blaming your husband, nor will you be able to entertain discussions
for problem solving.
Approach your husband as your partner, instead of
your enemy. Share your pain and face this mistake together, before
it drives you further apart!
