QUESTION: I can't stop nagging my
husband. He refuses to talk about problems, so I keep talking on and
on. How do you resolve conflict if he won't talk? We have been married
11 years, have a lot of stress in our lives and have recently started
a new business.
ANSWER: Reflect on what it is you are
trying to communicate to your husband. You are not comfortable "nagging"
him, so see what happens if you do stop. It is possible that you are
avoiding feelings that will come up for you when you do not fill the
silence with your own anger.
No doubt you are sad beneath all that frustration
and extremely lonesome! Certainly there must be things that you want
him to change and this is the focus of your "nagging". It is likely
that he contributes to your "mothering" him in this negative manner
by not being proactive about solving problems. The more you "nag",
the more he withdraws and the more he withdraws, the more you "nag".
In this viscous cycle, it is likely that you are trying desperately
to keep some level of connection, albeit negative with your partner.
Perhaps you are afraid that if you let go of the anger, there would
be nothing else there to hold you together.
The two of you need to reconnect before any true negotiation
based on understanding can result. Sit down and try writing your husband
a letter about your loneliness and disconnection. Reach out in writing
that expresses not only your dissatisfaction, but your love and appreciation
too. When a negative cycle has a stronghold on your interactions,
this may be more easily done in a letter by yourself, than in the
moment with one another.
Let your spouse know that you are not comfortable
with the "nagging" either and you would like to retire it and his
silent withdrawal from your coping repertoire. Ask him to help you
identify and develop more productive ways of dealing with your current
life stress through teamwork. Tell him you need his help to develop
a successful forum for discussion and solving problems.
Recognize that your responses to stress may be very
different. You may have learned to "blame" others or "lash out". Perhaps
this is what your parental role models did in childhood. Conversely,
your husband may have learned that withdrawal under stress was his
best coping strategy as a child. It is true that we all regress under
stress and resort to unproductive patterns out of a sense of helplessness.
But we are no longer children. Take your power back by stopping the
"nagging" and beginning an effort to communicate and reconnect.
Also, seek to protect your relationship from the negative
stresses of daily life. Save time each week to devote to fun and enjoyment
of each other, no matter what else is going on in your life together.
Develop a shared goal of making the "stress" your enemy rather than
each other!
