QUESTION: My significant other (we
are not married but do live together) constantly makes fun of things
I do. He asks me a question that requires an explanation. When I try
to explain, he makes fun of me and says I take a simple question and
make it difficult. He asked me why it would take two days to set computers
up. He has no clue about computers at all. so I started by saying
that first they have to come in and set up the equipment (I should
have said installed the equipment) then I was going to say how they
have to download the software, make sure all the equipment works,
etc. but he never gave me a chance. I only got to say, first they
come in and set the equipment up then he started laughing at me saying
I was making it more than it was, etc.
He had been doing this to me constantly for
about six months now. I got angry and slammed a pop can down and told
him to not cut me down, that I had been put down enough in my life
(I am 43 years old and am 2 years out of a physically and verbally
abusive 22 1/2 year marriage). Then I said don't ask if you don't
want an answer. and he said well I don't care now.
I love this person alot. He treats me special
in every other way. But I feel inadequate when I communicate with
him. I don't know how to tell him sometimes his "kidding around" hurts
my feelings.
ANSWER: It can be difficult to pierce
humor when it is used as a defense. Your husband may have developed
his humor to protect him from feelings of inadequacy. Putting you
down may also be something that was done to him by his parents. But
this is no excuse for continuing to make himself feel better at your
expense!
You have taken the first step by being aware that
you feel devalued when he uses sarcastic humor. Let him know there
is a difference between laughing at someone and laughing with them.
Tell him that while you do love him and appreciate the ways he does
show his caring for you, that this is one style of communication that
is damaging your affectionate feelings towards him.
The joining of two individuals in a long term relationship
requires that you develop your own customs and rules about family
interactions. Naturally, since both of you come from different childhood
experiences, you have internalized ways of relating that may have
worked in that family, but do not work for the two of you with each
other. You must come up with acceptable compromise based on your unique
differences in order to forge a new "culture" of your own if your
relationship is to succeed.
Ask your partner where his patterns of humor come
from. Did they exist in his family? Or did he begin this way of putting
others down as an adult? Let him know that you feel particularly vulnerable
to "put downs" because of earlier abuse, as well. Ask for his sensitivity
to this issue. Also ask for his feedback about anything that he feels
you put him down about in any way. Let him know that you are willing
to look at your own behavior and caretaking his needs, too. And continue
to work on strengthening your own self-esteem and communication skills
to increase your resiliency, too.
If your partner truly wants to "kid around" ask him
what effect he wants to have on you by doing so? Perhaps he will begin
to see that the effect he wants is not the effect he is getting!
