QUESTION: My husband and I have a
3 month old and a five year old. We both work 40 hours per week and
have weekends off. It seems that every weekend my husband takes off,
not even asking if I mind staying with the kids while he does things.
Now he wants to go on two out-of-town trips, two weekends in a row,
that we really can't afford. I'm not a good communicator and have
been keeping it all inside. I don't want to seem like "that" kind
of wife, and I don't want to start a fight. How do I bring up the
subject and let him know how I feel?
ANSWER: Marriage is a "quid pro quo"
meaning a contract in legal terms which offers your partner fairness
in what is perceived as the "give and take" of your relationship.
The dissatisfaction following the birth of your second child is a
sign that your partnership needs to be reviewed and updated.
Your current difficulties are in part caused by lack
of perspective on what creates long term happiness in marriage and
family relationships. Develop teamwork to address the tremendous workload
of this stage in your family's development. You have a three month
old and a five year old and both of you work outside of the home 40
hours per week. Your husband's apparent selfishness may be caused
in part by deprivation, based on the work and involvement that parenting
two children creates, and lack of long term perspective. But this
is no excuse for treating you as if you are not also in the same boat!
You and your husband have created a relationship that
you now feel is not meeting your needs. It is your job to express
that you feel your marriage and family roles are not fair to you,
and it is his job to listen and be concerned for your experience in
the family!
Do not blame your husband for your "unhappiness".
Instead, take responsibility for communicating your needs. Make positive
suggestions to him for what you believe would make you happier rather
than merely complaining. Women are raised culturally to be the caretakers
for the emotional well-being of family members. Perhaps you are ineffective
in your communication, partly because you both accept and resent this
cultural role. What about your happiness? You, too are a member of
the family. Your happiness and well-being are critical to the health
of your entire family system. If you truly believe you are entitled
to consideration, your communication will come from a place of power
rather than accusation.
Women often undercut themselves by "complaining" instead
of stating their requirements in a relationship. The unconscious wish
is for others to meet needs without asking! This is often a result
of being caught in the double bind of cultural messages which disparage
women for expressing their needs directly. If a man is angry he is
defined as assertive. If a woman expresses anger she is labeled a
"-itch" (or "that kind of wife".) Rest assured that your needs, expressed
clearly are well within your rights. Do not fall prey to loss of self-esteem
because you are a woman who expresses your needs directly. But do
not expect your partner to read you mind.
Perhaps when you only had one child, you were content
enough with the satisfaction you felt in your role in the family.
Maybe you enjoyed being the primary nurturer which suited your husband
in some way that allowed him his "freedom" on weekends. Or maybe he
was more involved with fathering his first child because it was a
new experience.
Whatever the reasons, they are no longer valid for
you. Organizational change that allows you to feel valued, rather
than used by your husband, is necessary. Do not inhibit your feelings
for fear of being "that kind of wife". After all, he too might become
"that kind of wife" if he felt it was taken for granted that he stayed
home with the children on weekends after a full week's work, while
you scheduled trips away with friends that depleted the family income!
Perhaps he will understand that you, too, need a "wife" in traditional
terms. However the two of you do not even have the traditional relationship.
The real key to family happiness is teamwork. You have added a new
member to the family. This requires a new organization of your system.
Perhaps you are feeling the pangs of growth!
Talk with your husband about what your vision of a
family is about. What kinds of things can the two of you compromise
upon during this very stressful phase of your family's development?
Can you see the kind of relationships you want to have with your children
in the years to come? With each other? Take time to regain perspective
on where you are in the family life cycle. The deprivation you experience
as parents will lessen if you see the value of your long term goals
for family relationships. Negotiate to share the very little free
time that is available right now. Perhaps your husband could take
the five year old with him on a weekend trip and/or family trips could
also be an option for "getting away". Discuss the allocation of the
precious resources of money and time with the goal of maximizing everyone's
enjoyment.
Both of you made the decision to become parents. Let
your husband know that you are not the destroyer of his freedom, but
a partner on a long voyage the two of you embarked on together. Neither
one of you can change the fact of the life choices you made together.
Give up being your husband's "Santa Claus". You will only resent him
for it, and blame him for your unhappiness. If you continue to be
unable to discuss the parameters of your marriage or to consider changes
necessary for your joint happiness, consult a marriage counselor.
The sooner you reorganize, the less chance there is that resentment
will sabotage your marriage!
